An agenda..or Lack thereof?

Last night I got a surprise. One of those unexpected moments when no one else is around. I say unexpected cause I usually have everything planned or at least thought about in advance. So, when that moment came I realized I was tired. I crawled in bed early and slept for a long time. I got up just before 11am. I got somethin to eat, played online, did some laundry. People were in and out. Then, everyone was gone..again. My daughter has an over nighter with the youth group. The roommate is gone and I realize something. The silence is REALLY loud. I realize something else. My brain feels like oatmeal. It has some form but it's really soft. I don't have anything to think about. I don't have to think about doing any thing for any one else. I got to thinking about why the lack of mental activity makes me so tired. I'm not really sure. I mean, most of the time I don't "feel" like I am really the part I am playing. I mean, I know I am a mom but most of the time I wonder how good of a mom I am and so I guess trying to get it right takes up most of my brain cells. I dunno?

Parallels

This has been a great day. I have been upbeat all day. I ate well. I started reading a book. Then all of a sudden something became perfectly clear to me and now I feel like I can't breathe. Here's what became clear. I have been single since May 17, 2009. As my followers know, my ex is still my roommate. Anyway, since that day in 2009 I have kept my phone on silent. Never really had a good reason. Tonight, as I was reading a book and a page talked about the ringing of a phone it hit me why I keep my phone on silent. I feel like my ex emotionally abandoned me. I say emotionally cause physically she is still here. When we first started seeing each other I asked her a question. "Will you ever walk away?" She responded with "Just long enough to feel like I have some power". She lied. She abandoned me and to this day says I forced her away by my behavior. I guess I am still angry. Now, for the parallel.
In 2001, my mother had just found out I was in a gay relationship. About that time, I had to have brain surgery. May 23, was the date. I guess May is not a good month. Well, except it's my birthday month too. The day of the surgery came. I had told my then partner (different girl) that I wanted her to make all major decisions and I wanted my doctor to communicate with her because I don't trust my mom. Anyway, this didn't please my mother. I understand that. So, while I was under anesthesia my mother gets mad and leaves and the first words I hear upon waking up were "Your mom got mad and left" She abandoned me. Did I make her do it by making the choices I did? Is all of this my fault?

I know there's a thumb print on the top of my head!

If you shaved my head I am sure you would find 1 if not more than 1 thumb print. I feel like my entire life is lived under someone's thumb. The worst part is knowing that I have put myself there. I guess there is some level of shame and self loathing because of this fact which just gets worse when I get overwhelmed at trying to figure out how to extricate myself out from under said thumbs. A thread that has run itself through my life from its beginning until now is one of having other people in my life to "be there" in case I needed something. Now, every one has parents and we all have felt like we were under thier thumbs, which we were I guess because that's how it is supposed to be. However, when I reached adulthood I didn't out grow that need to have someone there to guide and direct me. I am approaching 40 in a little more than a year. In some ways that sounds so old. Maybe it's just because I feel old and tired today. Anyway, I think I am finally outgrowing my need to guided and directed. The problem is, other people haven't caught up to my new found need for independence. I keep being met with opposition. Not from everyone. Just from one person, really. No big deal, right? Wrong because I live with this person. I keep hearing "what other people think about me is none of my business." That's true enough but what I think of me IS important and quite honestly there are still some parts of my brain that while they crave independence on 1 hand. On the other hand, these same parts are terrified. So many people tell me I am strong. Yet, I do not feel strong. I feel weak. I feel like a child who can not yet take care of herself. I also keep hearing something else. Feelings aren't facts. I know that and yet the feelings I have are so overwhelming. A friend of mine told me this to morning to "Act as if" and that's is quite simply just what I need to do. I need to try to go on auto pilot and plow through some things. I know I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be loved. I deserve so much more than what my life is offering me right now. I just have to gather up the gumption to go get it!

Perspective...

I wrote the following as a status update today. "The topic of perspective was being discussed by myself and some friends of mine this morning. It has me thinking. All my life I have looked at myself as "disabled" That word just screams "can't", "powerless", "hopeless". A few minutes ago, My cat was wanting to escape when I let the dog out. So, what did I do? What I could. I chased him in my chair until I got him to where I could open a door and lock him in a room long enough for me to take the dog out. So, you see, I am not disabled...I just can't walk." I have to say it felt good to come to this conclusion. For so long, my entire life really, I have focused on what I couldn't do. The things that made me different than a "normal" person. The result is simple. I have never felt good enough. I have never felt like I was worthy of happiness. I have never felt like I would ever be happy because I wasn't "normal". There is a saying that what you think about becomes bigger and if I am honest I have to say that I have spent way more time than I would like to admit to being negative about myself. About others. About life.
 I am almost 39. I have to say that in the last year I have made some positive strides for myself. I still haven't found the "happily ever after" but I finally believe that I am not just a freak of nature. I finally believe that I have things to offer myself, another person, the world.

I wish I was a turtle...

I came up with the name of this blog a few years ago and I am sure it was on a day such as this. Here's what I mean. Yesterday was a bad day. 1 part insecurity, 1 part assumption and 2 part self assured self righteousness. Anyway, by the end of the day I just didn't want to deal anymore. So today was calmer. However, I still have that wish that I was a turtle. Here's why. A turtle has a tough shell. A turtle can poke it's head out if it wants and hide if it wants. A turtle is slow, unlike my mouth, It engages before my brain does. Yeah, sometimes I wish I was a turtle.

Down in the Valley

 It's a cold rainy day.  I don't like cold rainy days. I didn't understand what the pastor preached about today. That in itself I guess is going to happen on occasion but it makes me feel unsettled. Nobody else is home but my daughter. I always feel stress when it's just me and her. I guess because she is beyond the age of just doing what I ask because I asked her. So, it often feels like she is the adult and I am the child. I spent some time online this afternoon. The internet has become my companion. Today I am feeling the lonliness of  that. I guess to put it simply. Today is not a good day to be me. I don't feel like I have a firm grasp on anything. The only love that I can "see" that exists for me right now is that my dog and cat love me. I know that's more than some people have. I know God loves me. Sometimes, especially on days like today, I wish He would just let the angel blow that trumpet and take me Home..

A Common Frayed Thread

 I watched the funeral for Whhitney Houston today. I feel as if someone has put a knife in my chest and began turning it. It took me a minute to figure out what I was feeling and why but here it is. Whitney had a much publicized problem with drugs. The verdict is still out on whether drugs had anything to do with her death or not. I guess honestly, it doesn't matter. What matters is that she had the problem to begin with. The problem of drug and alcohol abuse has hit very close to home in my life. My father was an alcoholic. He died of a heart attack almost 13 years ago. I had a partner for almost 5 years who though not using while I was with her still struggled with the emotional stuff that goes along with it. So I guess the point is, I am just thinking about how sad it is that people can fall victim to such a sinister and conniving thing. It's sad that people have to struggle to get away from it. It's sad that it sometimes takes people's lives. I know for a fact that people can't "just stop". I know for a fact that people can't just stop "wanting it". I didn't always have that realization it took alot of years. Now I am just left with this overwhelming sense of sadness for people that lose so much due to addiction. The addicted lose money, jobs, friends, homes, freedom, and sometimes thier lives unless that by the grace of God they find recovery. Those that love the addicted person lose alot too. As if losing all sense of security due to the the addicts inability to be counted on isn't enough. Sometimes they have to deal with the loss of the addict through death, Thank God there is a place of recovery for us too.

Take Your Time

A thought ocurred to me this morning. If people don't depend on something then it is not as important to them to make sure that it is available to others. What made me think about this was a lax case worker who is in charge of whether I get food stamps or not. I know that every one takes things for granted. Myself included. For example, I just exercised for 5 minutes. That doesn't seem like very long. I decided that to make the time go by I would pray. I found it hard to fill 5 minutes up with Thank Yous to God for all I have. I guess my point is that we should all think about WHY we do what we do because then we may be able to do it better if we identify the motives behind our actions.

It's a Process

So, I got my stitches out today. I told my doctor how tired I have been and how all I have wanted to do is sleep. I wanted him to fix it. I expected him to find some reason why. And, he did. He said "You essentially had 2 operations @ the same time. It would take 2 weeks to recover from just 1 but since you in effect had 2, give yourself a month and if you don't start to feel more alive at the end of a month we will go from there." This is not what I wanted to hear. I am tired of being tired. I am tired of feeling blah. I am tired of not having any enthusiasm about anything. I joke all the time about being bull headed and usually when I get my teeth around somethin I chew until there's nothing left so not having the energy to do anything is bugging me. It's not depression. I am not mad about anything. I have nothing or nobody to be mad at. Maybe, that's part of my problem. I really don't have any "problem to focus on" or "fix" right now that is outside of me and I am not used to being kind and patient with myself. Not to mention I am worried that people will think I am being lazy if I don't just pick up and start over. The only thing that is "normal" right now is how my daughter is acting. She is a teenager so everything is about her or at least in her mind it is. So, she is acting how teenagers act and I am just not up to the mental sparring. So, again, I want to feel better, NOW. Before my surgery my goal was to lose weight. My general practitioner even gave me a "wonder drug". Looking back, I wonder if it did more harm than good because after surgery my body was completely depleted of most nutrients which is what caused alot of the complications after surgery. I am still dehydrated. While I was in the hospital my goal was to get in and get out so I could go on. Well, that turned into just having to lay there while they pumped me full of IV stuff and then when that was fixed I had to just try not to vomit. I failed. My intestines were not ready to wake up so digesting food was going to have to wait. Now, I am home and I am just not myself. I guess I hit the nail on the head a couple lines back. I feel as though I have failed because I am having to let my body play catch up. This wasn't the plan but it is what it is...

Human

We are all human, Myself included. We all make mistakes which means we are all equal to some extent. Yet, we somehow think we hold the power to make people do what we want them to do by way of manipulation, usually. I am as guilty as the next person. Everyone wants control. Nobody has it. That last sentence is an equalizer in and of itself. No human, be it me or anyone else, has ultimate control. Only God does. So, what does all this mean? It means, that every one makes mistakes. EVERYONE! And, it means that when we don't check ourselves we can punish others with our behavior because they didn't do what we wanted. I find myself constantly wondering what other humans think about me. Some are more than willing to tell me lol but I think I would be better off if I just didn't care what people thought about me and concerned myself with what I think and what God thinks. God doesn't expect me to screw up. God doesn't expect me to live life on my own. He only expects me to do my best and lean on Him.

I have been home from the hospital since Thursday night and I think I am finally starting to feel human again. The house is quiet and I am wrapped in my snuggie and drinking my coffee and amazed at how God has blessed my household. I am not surprised that God is capable of such awesomeness I am feeling unworthy but I guess that is the point in a nutshell. Nobody is worthy of God's awesomeness and yet He gives it anyway. I keep saying Thank You, I keep saying I Love You because He needs to know. Life is good.

Puppets

I have to admit, I love Elmo, I loved Lambchop. They are both adorable and make me smile. I admit that I have watched both of them while not in the presence of a child well into my adulthood. That's on 1 hand. On the other hand, "acting like a puppet" is a phrase we are all familliar with and it does not carry with it the same warm fuzzy feelings as the aforementioned Elmo and Lambchop. So, how can I love Elmo and Lambchop and yet get sick to my stomach when I recall the times in my life that I have acted like a puppet? I think the answer is quite simple and here it is. As adults, we can often bastardize those things that as children we held precious. The puppets of childhood are cute, friendly, teach us good lessons and how to grow up to be good adults and I think sometimes as adults we feel like children so we act like the thing that made us smile as children. The people who made the puppets talk always made them smile eventually or learn how to treat people right eventually so I think sometimes in our skewed adult thinking we revert back to think "if I act like they want me to or do what they want me to then everything will be ok" Here's the problem. Puppets are meant for children. Puppets are meant to be used for people to smile and have fun. Puppets aren't real. My point is that we should leave them in thier place. I am not saying to not enjoy them as adults but to remember that they are thier as an escape to reality which we all need from time to time and then we need to come back to deal with reality. That is the only way to find happiness.

Grilled Cheese

You know when you don't feel good that thing that will make you feel better? Everybody has something like that and it's different for everybody. Well, for me it's grilled cheese. Yesterday, I had the worst headache that I remember having in a long long time and it wasn't going away. I laid down. I wore a heat pad on my head. I even broke down and took pain meds even though I am not supposed to this week because of my upcoming surgery. Well, I finally got to sleep and when I woke up this morning it was better. I explained it to people as "it's sore because it hurt so bad yesterday but it's not hurting because it's hurting anymore." Does that even make any sense? Anyway, so I didn't feel like doing much. Let me re-phrase, I didn't feel like even thinking let alone doing much this morning so I didn't. I just kind of hung out. I was hungry when I got up but the cobwebs were still there so I didn't push it. I had been up a couple hours and then it dawned on me. In the past, when I didn't feel good. I would want a grilled cheese. Now, in the past, I would have to have someone else do this for me. However, thanks to some initiative on my part and a great idea on the part of my friend, one of my blog readers even, I could do it myself this time. That gave me a sense of satisfaction. I was able to do something nice for myself. Something nurturing. It felt good that I could not only identify what would make me feel better but that I could do it for myself and by the way, no more headache! :)
So, this afternoon I knew I had to get some stuff together that has a deadline of 1/15 which is Sunday. Some of it was already together. Some of it I had to look for and it wasn't hidden all that well and then there was some that I don't actually have in my possession yet so I had to get creative. I had to find what I needed online and then print it out. Sounds easy enough, right? Well, maybe it is if the computer you are working with isn't a dinosaur but this one is. So, it was not letting me view the info let alone print it. So I messed with it until I could finally view it and then it still wouldn't let me print it. I got frustrated but I texted my friend and said "this computer will NOT beat me"! So I persisted on and finally mission accomplished. It's all ready to drop off. So, my headache is gone and I am feeling pretty able to take care of stuff right now. YAY!

Fool, I'm a woman and Just changed My Mind..

 Usually, I resent stereotypes. In my opinion there is usually a very good reason why something or someone is the way it, he, or she is. However, because I am in a mood. I used this kind of thought as a name to my blog. A couple hours ago I wrote a blog about how far I have come in life. I was feeling pretty good. The power chord for Heather's computer came today so I was expecting homework to be a breeze tonight because she has her computer back and wouldn't have to use mine. I guess that's what I get for having expectations. LOL Anyway, she was like "the file is saved on your computer" so..I look..and guess what? No it's not. So, at this point, I am starting to get irritated and think "why do you always have to make things difficult?" I guess the truth is that maybe she doesn't know her way around a computer and so she didn't save it when she thought she did. With that said, my flippin head hurts and I had to think! I say that because even when we went to the website to look for the info to print it off she wasn't sure what it was called so I had to sit there and let my BP rise while she figured out which file she needed and THEN it wasn't gonna let me print it from where I was so I had to AGAIN think about how to get it to a place that I could print from. Success..so...I guess the point is that I didn't want to have to think and God provided me with yet another opportunity to show myself that I can figure stuff out. That's all.

I Can See Clearly Now

 Last night, I was having one of my many insecure moments. I was looking for 1 particular friend who for more than a decade has been my confidante, my shoulder, my hero, and my strength. She was nowhere to be found. LOL However, I was able to locate someone who I met through her. Anyway, I told her of my mood and how I was looking for our friend because "I need her to give me some backbone" And, her response, I believe was divinely given. She said "you have your own backbone. In fact, if she (speaking of our friend) or I had been expected to live your life we would have failed" Now, when she said, this I thought, "there's no way because both of you are so strong, smart, articulate, good at what you do kind of people" and then I stopped to think about everything I have lived through. I am disabled, my father was an alcoholic and my mother was a codependent wench. I've given birth and have grown into being a parent. Yes, I have had help in raising my daughter. Who hasn't? Along with the disability has come another condition whose symptoms I live with every day it seems like. When I was first diagnosed with it I had 3 brain surgeries and a stroke in 4 years time. So, the occasional headache I have now is not so bad. Everybody gets headaches.
 I guess my point is I am always looking at other people and thinking "I wanna handle life like they do cause they are so good at it" I guess when I have that thought I am subliminally thinking that life would be better if it wasn't so hard but I have admit that as I sit here and think about all the medical obstacles I have overcome and I am still breathing let alone together enough to be a mom that, that is a pretty big accomplishment. The friend I was looking for last night always tells me how tough I am and I usually don't believe her but as I look back the bottom line is if I wasn't tough I wouldn't be here. By no means am I trying to be cocky or arrogant. I am just simply looking at things maybe for the first time through the eyes of some of the people that God has given me the honor to call my friends.

Memories

  I am going to have surgery on Tuesday morning. I have more surgeries than I have fingers and toes so it's not like it's a new experience but I have to admit I am scared. I am having trouble making sense of exactly why I am scared. I am more grounded at this point in my life than I ever have been before as far as my relationship with God, My relationships with those people important to me, and I am even feeling pretty secure materialistically speaking. Is materialistically even a word? Anyway, so I am sitting here wondering why I am scared. What am I scared of? I think everyone can agree that it's normal to dread the pain of a surgery. My last few surgeries were difficult ones in that alot of unforseen things happened that made it impossible for things to go smoothly. I guess that is probably the crux of my present apprehension. The memories of the uncertainty. The memories of being vulnerable. The hospital can be a place of such control. They tell you when to eat. They tell you when to shower. Take meds. The last time I was in the hospital I wasn't given pain meds regularly. Actually, I guess that was the time before. The last time, a doctor told me I could eat way too soon. I got very sick and the solution was a tube down my throat for 10 days.
 It seems like things are better set up this time because it appears like I will have someone with me alot more than I did last time. That should alleviate alot of the screw-ups. I guess I just need to get this crap out of my head. I am feeling better.

Compare and Contrast

 Yesterday I felt scattered. Today I am calm. Yesterday I was on the receiving end of comfort, Lots of people were there to help me through my discomfort. Today I have been a sounding board several times over and I have to admit I like knowing that people are willing to talk to me about thier issues. Most of the time they aren't really asking me for answers but that doesn't necessarily mean that I don't give them my opinion. LOL I'm not sure that's a good thing. I mean, whereas most of the time I do say "tell me to do or think this or tell me not to do that" I realize that when I am presented with someone's problem I usually respond with "Do this" or "Don't do that". Maybe that's just how I roll? Maybe that's ok? I'm always thinking I should try to be more "this" or less "that". What if I just quit trying to change who I am? I'm not saying that it's not good to improve yourself but I think I am realizing that there comes a point when too much pruning of self can have a negative and detremental effect. I have always said that I am very "black or white" thinking kind of person. Something is either 1 way or the other. There is no gray. I don't necessarily believe that anymore. There's an old adage about "all things in moderation" I am coming to the conclusion that this old adage may just be the secret to healthy and sane living.

God Stays Awake

 You ever felt like you have already written the blog that you are writing? That's how I feel as I type this. I saw a friend on FB this morning and I didn't even said hi before I said "I am stressing about going to sleep to get operated on so please remind me that God stays awake", Seems like a really elementary thought for someone who is going on 40 years old to have. With that said, I keep hearing that it's normal to be nervous and scared" I have to wonder if what I am feeling is normal or if I am taking it to the extreme? Sometimes I think that to think and act like an adult I should approach everything in a totally unemotional manner, That's unrealistic but if I let any emotion in whatsoever then I don't feel like I have control over the situation. This leads me back to the name of this blog. The bottom line is that there are certain things that nobody has control of. When I say it like that I don't feel like such a 2 year old about being scared of being put under anesthesia thus giving up any and all control of anything and everything. I do get comfort from the thought that God stays awake. There was a time when I wouldn't have been comforted because I thought I deserved to be punished. Thankfully, my view of God has changed. I know God loves me. I know God takes care of me. I see it on a daily basis. I can even look back to the time when my view of God was scewed and see where it all worked out to where I didn't lose everything. So, I guess it all boils down to my feelings of fear and vulnerability come from 1 thing and 1 thing only. I am human. The neat thing about this realization is that being human means that I am entitled to these feelings because that is what humans do, we feel. Furthermore, it is my job as a human being to realize my that I am not all powerful and defer to the One who is.

Where did that train come from?

 I posted once already today. It concentrated on the positivity I was feeling. And then...well, this is what happened. I have a habit of clicking on people's fb pages if something catches my eye. I started reading a page owned by someone from my home town. On her page was the link to a song I assosciate with my childhood. Michael W, Smith's "Friends Are Friends Forever". This is the song that was played on the last night of every church camp I attended when I was a kid. So, it's assosciated with saying goodbye. For me, I wasn't just saying goodbye to new friends or even old friends. I was saying goodbye to the only few days a year that I felt like I belonged somewhere. I was saying goodbye to the only few days a year that I felt accepted. Earlier today I blogged about how I had finally gotten to a place where I know I belong to God. I know He loves me so when I had such a reaction to the memory of this song I guess I didn't understand it. I guess the long and short of it is that in some ways I guess I have come full circle because I know that I don't have to ever say again that I won't feel that feeling of belonging again because God loves me and is with me 24/7. He meets my every need. Every day. He has seen fit to let me find some of those old friends again via facebook. I have found some new friends too. My point is, I have lots of people who love me, accept me, root for me, pray for me, take me by the shoulders and pull me out of the stratosphere whether it be figuratively or literally. I am Blessed.

Coming out of the dark...

 Cheesy name for a blog I know since it's the name of a song. However, it's a phrase that explains how I am feeling. I actually noticed it last night when I turned on a football game. I used to watch football all the time but I haven't watched it much in the last few years because the person I was in a relationship with doesn't like football and has a tendency to for lack of another word pout so that I would give in and she wouldn't have to watch what she didn't want to. Now, at this point, I should say she always pointed out that there was 2 T.V,'s in the house and at this point I would always feel like I was being tested as to which I would pick, her or the TV show I wanted to watch and if it wasn't that then I would feel a tinge of rejection. I am always afraid of disappointing people and taking the chance of being abandoned. Looking back, I do that alot, don't I? I mean looking back. Anyway, looking back, I feel this huge feeling of regret because all those times that I didn't watch what I wanted I was in effect saying "what you want doesn't matter" to myself. OK, back to the ballgame for a minute. As I watched the Bengals lose I couldn't help but notice I felt happy. Not happy that they were losing but that I was doing something that I have always enjoyed doing. Simply watching a football game. I gave it up all those years ago because the person I wanted to spend time with didn't want to watch it and yesterday I watched it by myself and I was as happy as a lark. I am finally learning to appreciate that I am entitled to some individuality. I am finally realizing that doing something by myself  is a much better alternative than doing or not doing something because it's what someone else wants me to do.
 This morning I was confirmed to the Episcopal church. It was an awesome service. I was sitting there realizing that in getting confirmed I was becoming a part of something so much bigger than me. I also realized that I have spent alot of years isolating myself purposely if you will because I thought that concentrating on certain things or people was going to allow me to feel completely loved, accepted and give me that feeling of belonging I have been looking for all my life. This morning as I sat there drinking in the moment I knew that I knew that I knew that I knew that I belong to God. Earlier I said that I felt happy as I watched the football game and I guess that's true. I felt the same thing this morning sitting in church and even now as I sit here writing this and I have to ask myself a question. Is it happiness or is it peace that I feel? Do those words mean the same thing?

I am the proverbial bull in a china shop well..not so much!

I usually act first and think later. My birthday is in May so that means I am a Taurus which makes me a Bull. I have liked myself to a Bull in a China Shop many times because as I said I act first and think later more often than not. The last couple of days though I am not feeling quite so rambunctious. In fact, I would be quite happy to crawl in a hole where I am safe, warm and the rest of the world could go on around me without my participation. I am not mad, sad, disenchanted or any other negative feeling. I am just "blah". I feel as if I am bracing myself, or rather I am trying to and the world around me is still trying to require my participation. My surgery is in 9 days and a wake up. I'm trying not to panic and really there is no "logical" reason to panic. I have been through much worse before and by the grace of God lived through it and been just fine.
 I think my stress is happening because I am thinking about the people whose job it will be to look after me after the surgery. Will they treat me the way they would want to be treated if it were themselves or a family member? Will I get treated as if I am just a job someone is too tired to do well. Will they even know I am there? Will they be competant? These things might sound silly coming from someone who has been through as many operations as I have but the last couple of times I got operated on I went  these very things. I am always harping on people to let God have control. I guess I need to put my money where my mouth is and be confident that God will take care of me.

I want what I want when I want it!!!!!!

 This is how I feel right now and it frustrates the bejeezus out of me because I do NOT WANT to feel this way. Ok, I feel this thought may need just the tiniest bit more explanation. I will be the first to admit that I like things to go smoothly. I refuse to put the "my way" disclaimer on this statement because I think I have grown beyond that. With that said, in the last couple, well, few, days when something hasn't gone "smoothly" my insides have fizzed like bottle of coke that has been shook and yes I have to be accountable and admit that the fizz spilled out of my mouth in the form of yelling or crying. I guess I am bothered by these outbursts because they remind me of the person I am trying really really really hard not to be anymore. I used to think alot about what other people think of me. In fact, I spent more years than I care to think about jumping through every hoop I was presented with just to please another person and there wasn't just 1 person on that list. There were many.  Things have changed. Now, honestly, I could care less what other people think of me. I care what I think about me and I haven't liked my reactions in the last couple days. I have said that it is probably due to stress from my upcoming surgery. The count-down is down to 10 days and a wake up. Anyway, I was mulling all of this over with a friend of mine and she said that my issues were coming out of expectations I have out of other people. She flippin PEGGED it! As soon as she said it I knew she was right. The funny thing is. I know having expectations of people is futile. I guess it's my brain's way of trying to control a situation because I am feeling fearful about something else. Yes, that's right. It's usually something else altogether that I am upset about so without even realizing it I pick something or someone that I think I SHOULD be able to control just by virtue of me being temporary denial of the fact that I am not, never have been and never will be all powerful and it's usually a cluster*uck from that point on.
 Soooo, if you're still with me. in a nutshell I am stressed over my surgery. I am feeling vulnerable. The last time I was in the hospital I think the staff either didn't have a degree of any kind or if they did they got it out of a cracker jack box. Some nursing students, I was right about some of them not even having a degree, anyway, some nursing students didn't read my chart thouroughly enough and didn't believe me when I said I am paralyzed the waist down and proceeded to nearly drop me on to the floor. To this day I believe that's where the hernia that I am having operated on in 11 days came from to begin with. Then, there was the doctor, yes, I said doctor, who let me eat to soon so I started puking and eventually I had to have a tube up my nose for 10 days to straighten things out. I almost forgot, I had a fight with my then partner who proceeded to walk out and not come back until the next day. We aren't "together" anymore. However, she is still my friend and is going to keep my daughter for me while I am in the hospital. She has said she is going to try to keep an eye on me too so we will hopefully not have a repeat of the staff issues that we had a few years ago. I should point out I am in a different state at a different hospital. I guess I am just thinkin about alot...

Signs of Progress...

 This morning, I woke up and as usual was moving slowly. I started thinking about everything I "should" do and also as usual started feeling anxious. Not because it was alot but rather just because having stuff to do makes me feel somewhat vulnerable because having stuff to do usually means that someone somewhere along the line will have something to say which makes me feel as if I am being held accountable for my "work" or even being held accountable for not doing said "work". I said all that to give a background explanation to statement that ended  up being where this entire blog is coming from. Have you ever said something without even thinking and it ended up being more true than something you plan out for hours? That happened to me this morning. I was online and I typed "I find that I have more trouble dealing with things that I have complete control over than the things that I have no control over. This sounds rediculous. It should be the other way around, However, it's not, and this is why. The things that I have zero control over I have learned to just shrug off. Trust me, I haven't always known that I wasn't in complete control of everything. I haven't always accepted that I couldn't bend a situation or person to my will. Be it with sweet  charm or angry force. LOL This very thing is something I have thought about today because of something that happened and a random decision I made in response. 
 I lost my phone. I am always doing that. It is usally on silent which makes it harder to find. I have kept it on silent pretty much all the time since my ex broke up with me. Why? I somehow decided that with my phone on silent that I wouldn't have to "hear" how much she didn't want to talk to me. That was nearly 20 months ago. Anyway, I turned it on and left it on today. I had panic attacks for most of the morning. There wasn't anything I was particularly paniced about. Then, it dawned on me. The act of turning the volume up on my phone reminded me of the feelings of rejection I felt when she broke up with me. Some would say that I still feel the sting of this rejection because my ex is still in my life. However, her still being in my life is the reason I can say I am making progress. I now can state unequivocally that I know that her rejection of me isn't really about me at all. It's about her. Her unresolved issues. Her view of life. Her.

Busy Day

 I usually have trouble naming my ramblings. However, for today that is not the case. January 4 is a busy day in the scheme of my adult life. January 4, 1993 I met the only man I have ever really loved. January 4, 1999 I had his daughter and finally January 4, 2001 I met the person who I believe to be the person responsible for introducing me to the only constant I had in my life for a long time. With that said, I look back on my relationship woth this person with feelings of panic, numbness, disgust, anger, lonliness, unworthiness and probably a million other adjectives. I guess truth be told those feelings are a common thread between all the people this blog is about.
 The moment I looked at Steven there was instant attraction. I can honestly say I felt electricity. There was no denying we had a connection. The only problem was he was already in a relationship. I hated this woman and I was determined that he was going to be mine. I manipulated until I got my way. He left her. I even wrote the note he left her. I guess I started being a control freak early in our relationship. To this day I wonder if I forced him to do something he wouldn't have done on his own. Our relationship was not an easy 1. He accepted and or put up with alot. My disabilityy, my insane behavior and maybe the thing that I to this day am thankful for. He accepted my attraction to women. At least he said he did. Sometimes, I wonder if he just said he accepted it and put up with it so he could get a break from my insane behavior and because he didn't have any semblence of high self esteem. All of that is all pretty much water under the bridge I guess. Isn't it?
 When he and I had been together for 6 years, in fact, 6 years to the day, I had a little girl. I named her. I even feel guilty about that but I guess I shouldn't because I asked him what he liked and he did what he always did throughout our whole relationship and that was he just went along with whatever I wanted because I could be and was regularly a wench if I didn't get what I wanted when I wanted it. The last person that came into my life on this day was the relationship that I traded in my relationship with Steven for. This time it was a woman and we ended up doing to Steven what Steven and I had done to Steven's former gf. We made it clear he was no longer necessary and needed to go. I am not proud of this. In fact, I am ashamed of it. I guess back then didn't care who I hurt as long as I got what I wanted or thought I needed at any given moment. So for the next several years I continued doing what I had always did and got what I always got. Unhappiness, misery, sadness, and lonliness, I grew out of that relationship too.
 The 1 relationship out of these 3 that I still have is the one with my daughter and that I believe is a miracle of God. I haven't always been a good mom. I haven't even always tried to be a good mom. In fact, for a long time I thought it was impossible for me to be a good mom. I am not proud of this but sometimes it has felt like Heather and I are the same age and then sometimes my mind tells me that she is more capable of being an adult than I am. However, I am at a point in my life now where I am trying really hard to be a good mom to her. She deserves that. I love her alot and not because I want or need her to love me but because I am honored to be her mom. I want to be her mom. I want to finish helping her grow up. There was a time when I couldn't even begin to believe I would feel these things let alone really feel them. It makes me happy that I finally got to where I can. We went to Olive Garden tonight to celebrate her birthday. She says she had never been there before so it's neat that I got to be the one to take her there first. We aren't the Brady Bunch but I think we are meant to be a family.

I don't like these kinds of days...

 You know? The kinds of days that make you have to think "on your toes" and then you get to wonder and decide if you did the right thing.
 The first thing that happened was this. My daughter was given a netbook for Christmas and it needs to be hooked up to my internet. Easy enough, right? I called the cable company last week and the appointment was made for a tech to come out today. I TOLD my daughter this!! Anyway, the tech shows up and does what he has to to do to my computer and then he goes to finish up with hers except her computer is nowhere to be found. My roommate tears her room apart looking for it. It can not be found. Insert panic here. I start thinking about "what if  get doubled charged if he has to come back since it's not here?" I make the decision to call the school and ask my daughter where her computer is. I call and after being on hold FOREVER I am told she has to call me back and she does. She then tells me that she took said computer to school. Totally of her own valition of course because "she needed it". I tell her to leave it in the office because I need it. So, for the rest of the afternoon I stew over the mood she is going to be in when she gets home. I even decide to try to straighten up her room  a little. She is fine when she comes home. A few hours pass. She does some homework. We eat dinner. She does some more homework. Then she says she can't finish it because she can't access the site without her internet. My computer hasn't worked in the past. I remind her she would have had internet had she not taken her computer to school. Well, she gets all indignant and self righteous which upsets me. I tell her to go to bed. After she goes to bed I again start to panic about "what if she fails?" I try to find a way to open the files with my computer. At first it doesn't work but then it does. I get to the thing she needs. I wake her up and make her do her homework. Did I do the right thing? Should I have let her pay the consequences? Did I teach her anything by how I acted today? I look @ both situations and can see where I took initiative to "do" something but was it the right time to do something? I wonder

Just what I am thinkin about...

 The wind is howling outside. Rumor has it that it could turn cold this week. I haven't felt real good today so the fact that I can use 2 fingers to count the weeks until my surgery is probably a good thing. If I let myself think about it much I could probably panic which is funny when you consider that I spent a good part of the afternoon telling my  friend that if she would just give her troubles to God she would see miracles happen. Easier said than done I guess.
 She spoke about wanting to do everything right so that she would get the good things she wants. I understand that line of thinking. I used to live my life in that vice. "Do exactly what you think you are supposed to do and everything will be just fine" To this day I struggle with this. I used to be concerned with what people thought. I honestly thought that I was a lost cause so I didn't even consider trying to please God so I just worried about what other people thought. It has taken a long time but I now realize that what people think of me really doesn't matter. However, what God thinks about me is everything. The neat thing about God is He is not idealidtic at all. He knows I am flawed. He made me for goodness sake. He knows I am gonna screw up. He's known I was gonna screw up since before Adam and Eve screwed up because He knows everything. I guess my point is a simple 1. He has already seen the end product. The puzzle that is my life. The puzzle that is your life. He has seen it. He created it all. The Puzzle. The Solution. A bible verse comes to my mind at this point. Matthew 11:28 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Good night God.

Jan 1

 January 1 is a big day on the calendar for me. I guess because to me since I can pick up a calendar and see that it's the very first day of the very first month of a brand new year then I feel like I am being given permission to start over because it's logical to start over from the beginning. That's almost a funny thought. Why would an almost 39 year old woman need permission to do anything? Said 39 year old woman does not have alot of confidence in herself. Seems like I have that voice in my head listing the zillion different reasons why the proverbial shoe is going to drop. Now, I should say here that I don't worry about physical needs anymore. I know  God will provide. I am wondering where my next relationship is going to come from so in a way the beginning of the year can make me over anxious to "do everything right" because if I do then I will suddenly wake up in the arms of the love of my life, right? Maybe. Maybe not. I think the point here is that since I DO have dreams of not only being in a relationship but maybe even going back to school that I need to do certain things every day to get myself ready. The bottom line is that just because I want certain things that doesn't mean I am ready to have, and or, keep them. This thought brings to mind 2 words that start with P. Pressure and Patience, I do feel like I am working against the clock. I feel like it's an uphill battle. Maybe that's just a trick my mind plays on me. As for patience, I need to develop some. Not only for others but especially for myself. I have a bad habit of having expectations of people, myself included, based upon thier past behavior, I suppose this can be healthy but then again when you take it to extremes as I have a tendency to do then it becomes a prison.
 When I put these thoughts together I realize how much work I need to do and I fully intend to take better care of me this year because in reality it all starts with me. It HAS to start with how I treat and think about myself. So, I have to learn to be positive with myself. Give myself credit for something done well and not beat myself up for something that I don't do so well.
 Today had good moments and not so good moments. At midnight, I wanted to text all my friends to wish them a Happy New Year. Well, everyone must have had the same idea because the networks weren't responding so I didn't get to send the messages on time. I felt alone. I felt myself start to have a panic attack. It was then I decided I need to branch out more so that I have more relationships with people with skin because technology fails so I can't always have access to my friends who make thier residence in my phone. LOL I DID get up and go to church today. I love going to church and I have to admit that the reason is somewhat 2 fold. The obvious reason is I get to go see God @ His house..and the other reason is because I feel like going to church is one of those things that get to go on the "Doing the Right Thing" list..Finally, the BEST thing of all is I found some old pics of me and I have lost ALOT of weight!!! Woohoo!!!