Busy Day

 I usually have trouble naming my ramblings. However, for today that is not the case. January 4 is a busy day in the scheme of my adult life. January 4, 1993 I met the only man I have ever really loved. January 4, 1999 I had his daughter and finally January 4, 2001 I met the person who I believe to be the person responsible for introducing me to the only constant I had in my life for a long time. With that said, I look back on my relationship woth this person with feelings of panic, numbness, disgust, anger, lonliness, unworthiness and probably a million other adjectives. I guess truth be told those feelings are a common thread between all the people this blog is about.
 The moment I looked at Steven there was instant attraction. I can honestly say I felt electricity. There was no denying we had a connection. The only problem was he was already in a relationship. I hated this woman and I was determined that he was going to be mine. I manipulated until I got my way. He left her. I even wrote the note he left her. I guess I started being a control freak early in our relationship. To this day I wonder if I forced him to do something he wouldn't have done on his own. Our relationship was not an easy 1. He accepted and or put up with alot. My disabilityy, my insane behavior and maybe the thing that I to this day am thankful for. He accepted my attraction to women. At least he said he did. Sometimes, I wonder if he just said he accepted it and put up with it so he could get a break from my insane behavior and because he didn't have any semblence of high self esteem. All of that is all pretty much water under the bridge I guess. Isn't it?
 When he and I had been together for 6 years, in fact, 6 years to the day, I had a little girl. I named her. I even feel guilty about that but I guess I shouldn't because I asked him what he liked and he did what he always did throughout our whole relationship and that was he just went along with whatever I wanted because I could be and was regularly a wench if I didn't get what I wanted when I wanted it. The last person that came into my life on this day was the relationship that I traded in my relationship with Steven for. This time it was a woman and we ended up doing to Steven what Steven and I had done to Steven's former gf. We made it clear he was no longer necessary and needed to go. I am not proud of this. In fact, I am ashamed of it. I guess back then didn't care who I hurt as long as I got what I wanted or thought I needed at any given moment. So for the next several years I continued doing what I had always did and got what I always got. Unhappiness, misery, sadness, and lonliness, I grew out of that relationship too.
 The 1 relationship out of these 3 that I still have is the one with my daughter and that I believe is a miracle of God. I haven't always been a good mom. I haven't even always tried to be a good mom. In fact, for a long time I thought it was impossible for me to be a good mom. I am not proud of this but sometimes it has felt like Heather and I are the same age and then sometimes my mind tells me that she is more capable of being an adult than I am. However, I am at a point in my life now where I am trying really hard to be a good mom to her. She deserves that. I love her alot and not because I want or need her to love me but because I am honored to be her mom. I want to be her mom. I want to finish helping her grow up. There was a time when I couldn't even begin to believe I would feel these things let alone really feel them. It makes me happy that I finally got to where I can. We went to Olive Garden tonight to celebrate her birthday. She says she had never been there before so it's neat that I got to be the one to take her there first. We aren't the Brady Bunch but I think we are meant to be a family.