This is how I feel right now and it frustrates the bejeezus out of me because I do NOT WANT to feel this way. Ok, I feel this thought may need just the tiniest bit more explanation. I will be the first to admit that I like things to go smoothly. I refuse to put the "my way" disclaimer on this statement because I think I have grown beyond that. With that said, in the last couple, well, few, days when something hasn't gone "smoothly" my insides have fizzed like bottle of coke that has been shook and yes I have to be accountable and admit that the fizz spilled out of my mouth in the form of yelling or crying. I guess I am bothered by these outbursts because they remind me of the person I am trying really really really hard not to be anymore. I used to think alot about what other people think of me. In fact, I spent more years than I care to think about jumping through every hoop I was presented with just to please another person and there wasn't just 1 person on that list. There were many. Things have changed. Now, honestly, I could care less what other people think of me. I care what I think about me and I haven't liked my reactions in the last couple days. I have said that it is probably due to stress from my upcoming surgery. The count-down is down to 10 days and a wake up. Anyway, I was mulling all of this over with a friend of mine and she said that my issues were coming out of expectations I have out of other people. She flippin PEGGED it! As soon as she said it I knew she was right. The funny thing is. I know having expectations of people is futile. I guess it's my brain's way of trying to control a situation because I am feeling fearful about something else. Yes, that's right. It's usually something else altogether that I am upset about so without even realizing it I pick something or someone that I think I SHOULD be able to control just by virtue of me being temporary denial of the fact that I am not, never have been and never will be all powerful and it's usually a cluster*uck from that point on.
Soooo, if you're still with me. in a nutshell I am stressed over my surgery. I am feeling vulnerable. The last time I was in the hospital I think the staff either didn't have a degree of any kind or if they did they got it out of a cracker jack box. Some nursing students, I was right about some of them not even having a degree, anyway, some nursing students didn't read my chart thouroughly enough and didn't believe me when I said I am paralyzed the waist down and proceeded to nearly drop me on to the floor. To this day I believe that's where the hernia that I am having operated on in 11 days came from to begin with. Then, there was the doctor, yes, I said doctor, who let me eat to soon so I started puking and eventually I had to have a tube up my nose for 10 days to straighten things out. I almost forgot, I had a fight with my then partner who proceeded to walk out and not come back until the next day. We aren't "together" anymore. However, she is still my friend and is going to keep my daughter for me while I am in the hospital. She has said she is going to try to keep an eye on me too so we will hopefully not have a repeat of the staff issues that we had a few years ago. I should point out I am in a different state at a different hospital. I guess I am just thinkin about alot...
People tend to get touchy over every little thing when they're stressing different things. Surgery, no matter the situation, is a scary thing. I was a wreck when I have my colonoscopy and endoscopy... "You mean you're putting a tube down my throat and somewhere else at the same time?" Oh yeah, I was a wreck.
ReplyDeleteEverything will go smoothly... just make yourself better informed. That always give you a bit more control, because if you are more informed, you know what yu can demand, and what is impossible to demand.