Perspective...

I wrote the following as a status update today. "The topic of perspective was being discussed by myself and some friends of mine this morning. It has me thinking. All my life I have looked at myself as "disabled" That word just screams "can't", "powerless", "hopeless". A few minutes ago, My cat was wanting to escape when I let the dog out. So, what did I do? What I could. I chased him in my chair until I got him to where I could open a door and lock him in a room long enough for me to take the dog out. So, you see, I am not disabled...I just can't walk." I have to say it felt good to come to this conclusion. For so long, my entire life really, I have focused on what I couldn't do. The things that made me different than a "normal" person. The result is simple. I have never felt good enough. I have never felt like I was worthy of happiness. I have never felt like I would ever be happy because I wasn't "normal". There is a saying that what you think about becomes bigger and if I am honest I have to say that I have spent way more time than I would like to admit to being negative about myself. About others. About life.
 I am almost 39. I have to say that in the last year I have made some positive strides for myself. I still haven't found the "happily ever after" but I finally believe that I am not just a freak of nature. I finally believe that I have things to offer myself, another person, the world.

I wish I was a turtle...

I came up with the name of this blog a few years ago and I am sure it was on a day such as this. Here's what I mean. Yesterday was a bad day. 1 part insecurity, 1 part assumption and 2 part self assured self righteousness. Anyway, by the end of the day I just didn't want to deal anymore. So today was calmer. However, I still have that wish that I was a turtle. Here's why. A turtle has a tough shell. A turtle can poke it's head out if it wants and hide if it wants. A turtle is slow, unlike my mouth, It engages before my brain does. Yeah, sometimes I wish I was a turtle.

Down in the Valley

 It's a cold rainy day.  I don't like cold rainy days. I didn't understand what the pastor preached about today. That in itself I guess is going to happen on occasion but it makes me feel unsettled. Nobody else is home but my daughter. I always feel stress when it's just me and her. I guess because she is beyond the age of just doing what I ask because I asked her. So, it often feels like she is the adult and I am the child. I spent some time online this afternoon. The internet has become my companion. Today I am feeling the lonliness of  that. I guess to put it simply. Today is not a good day to be me. I don't feel like I have a firm grasp on anything. The only love that I can "see" that exists for me right now is that my dog and cat love me. I know that's more than some people have. I know God loves me. Sometimes, especially on days like today, I wish He would just let the angel blow that trumpet and take me Home..

A Common Frayed Thread

 I watched the funeral for Whhitney Houston today. I feel as if someone has put a knife in my chest and began turning it. It took me a minute to figure out what I was feeling and why but here it is. Whitney had a much publicized problem with drugs. The verdict is still out on whether drugs had anything to do with her death or not. I guess honestly, it doesn't matter. What matters is that she had the problem to begin with. The problem of drug and alcohol abuse has hit very close to home in my life. My father was an alcoholic. He died of a heart attack almost 13 years ago. I had a partner for almost 5 years who though not using while I was with her still struggled with the emotional stuff that goes along with it. So I guess the point is, I am just thinking about how sad it is that people can fall victim to such a sinister and conniving thing. It's sad that people have to struggle to get away from it. It's sad that it sometimes takes people's lives. I know for a fact that people can't "just stop". I know for a fact that people can't just stop "wanting it". I didn't always have that realization it took alot of years. Now I am just left with this overwhelming sense of sadness for people that lose so much due to addiction. The addicted lose money, jobs, friends, homes, freedom, and sometimes thier lives unless that by the grace of God they find recovery. Those that love the addicted person lose alot too. As if losing all sense of security due to the the addicts inability to be counted on isn't enough. Sometimes they have to deal with the loss of the addict through death, Thank God there is a place of recovery for us too.

Take Your Time

A thought ocurred to me this morning. If people don't depend on something then it is not as important to them to make sure that it is available to others. What made me think about this was a lax case worker who is in charge of whether I get food stamps or not. I know that every one takes things for granted. Myself included. For example, I just exercised for 5 minutes. That doesn't seem like very long. I decided that to make the time go by I would pray. I found it hard to fill 5 minutes up with Thank Yous to God for all I have. I guess my point is that we should all think about WHY we do what we do because then we may be able to do it better if we identify the motives behind our actions.

It's a Process

So, I got my stitches out today. I told my doctor how tired I have been and how all I have wanted to do is sleep. I wanted him to fix it. I expected him to find some reason why. And, he did. He said "You essentially had 2 operations @ the same time. It would take 2 weeks to recover from just 1 but since you in effect had 2, give yourself a month and if you don't start to feel more alive at the end of a month we will go from there." This is not what I wanted to hear. I am tired of being tired. I am tired of feeling blah. I am tired of not having any enthusiasm about anything. I joke all the time about being bull headed and usually when I get my teeth around somethin I chew until there's nothing left so not having the energy to do anything is bugging me. It's not depression. I am not mad about anything. I have nothing or nobody to be mad at. Maybe, that's part of my problem. I really don't have any "problem to focus on" or "fix" right now that is outside of me and I am not used to being kind and patient with myself. Not to mention I am worried that people will think I am being lazy if I don't just pick up and start over. The only thing that is "normal" right now is how my daughter is acting. She is a teenager so everything is about her or at least in her mind it is. So, she is acting how teenagers act and I am just not up to the mental sparring. So, again, I want to feel better, NOW. Before my surgery my goal was to lose weight. My general practitioner even gave me a "wonder drug". Looking back, I wonder if it did more harm than good because after surgery my body was completely depleted of most nutrients which is what caused alot of the complications after surgery. I am still dehydrated. While I was in the hospital my goal was to get in and get out so I could go on. Well, that turned into just having to lay there while they pumped me full of IV stuff and then when that was fixed I had to just try not to vomit. I failed. My intestines were not ready to wake up so digesting food was going to have to wait. Now, I am home and I am just not myself. I guess I hit the nail on the head a couple lines back. I feel as though I have failed because I am having to let my body play catch up. This wasn't the plan but it is what it is...

Human

We are all human, Myself included. We all make mistakes which means we are all equal to some extent. Yet, we somehow think we hold the power to make people do what we want them to do by way of manipulation, usually. I am as guilty as the next person. Everyone wants control. Nobody has it. That last sentence is an equalizer in and of itself. No human, be it me or anyone else, has ultimate control. Only God does. So, what does all this mean? It means, that every one makes mistakes. EVERYONE! And, it means that when we don't check ourselves we can punish others with our behavior because they didn't do what we wanted. I find myself constantly wondering what other humans think about me. Some are more than willing to tell me lol but I think I would be better off if I just didn't care what people thought about me and concerned myself with what I think and what God thinks. God doesn't expect me to screw up. God doesn't expect me to live life on my own. He only expects me to do my best and lean on Him.