It's a Process

So, I got my stitches out today. I told my doctor how tired I have been and how all I have wanted to do is sleep. I wanted him to fix it. I expected him to find some reason why. And, he did. He said "You essentially had 2 operations @ the same time. It would take 2 weeks to recover from just 1 but since you in effect had 2, give yourself a month and if you don't start to feel more alive at the end of a month we will go from there." This is not what I wanted to hear. I am tired of being tired. I am tired of feeling blah. I am tired of not having any enthusiasm about anything. I joke all the time about being bull headed and usually when I get my teeth around somethin I chew until there's nothing left so not having the energy to do anything is bugging me. It's not depression. I am not mad about anything. I have nothing or nobody to be mad at. Maybe, that's part of my problem. I really don't have any "problem to focus on" or "fix" right now that is outside of me and I am not used to being kind and patient with myself. Not to mention I am worried that people will think I am being lazy if I don't just pick up and start over. The only thing that is "normal" right now is how my daughter is acting. She is a teenager so everything is about her or at least in her mind it is. So, she is acting how teenagers act and I am just not up to the mental sparring. So, again, I want to feel better, NOW. Before my surgery my goal was to lose weight. My general practitioner even gave me a "wonder drug". Looking back, I wonder if it did more harm than good because after surgery my body was completely depleted of most nutrients which is what caused alot of the complications after surgery. I am still dehydrated. While I was in the hospital my goal was to get in and get out so I could go on. Well, that turned into just having to lay there while they pumped me full of IV stuff and then when that was fixed I had to just try not to vomit. I failed. My intestines were not ready to wake up so digesting food was going to have to wait. Now, I am home and I am just not myself. I guess I hit the nail on the head a couple lines back. I feel as though I have failed because I am having to let my body play catch up. This wasn't the plan but it is what it is...