Parallels

This has been a great day. I have been upbeat all day. I ate well. I started reading a book. Then all of a sudden something became perfectly clear to me and now I feel like I can't breathe. Here's what became clear. I have been single since May 17, 2009. As my followers know, my ex is still my roommate. Anyway, since that day in 2009 I have kept my phone on silent. Never really had a good reason. Tonight, as I was reading a book and a page talked about the ringing of a phone it hit me why I keep my phone on silent. I feel like my ex emotionally abandoned me. I say emotionally cause physically she is still here. When we first started seeing each other I asked her a question. "Will you ever walk away?" She responded with "Just long enough to feel like I have some power". She lied. She abandoned me and to this day says I forced her away by my behavior. I guess I am still angry. Now, for the parallel.
In 2001, my mother had just found out I was in a gay relationship. About that time, I had to have brain surgery. May 23, was the date. I guess May is not a good month. Well, except it's my birthday month too. The day of the surgery came. I had told my then partner (different girl) that I wanted her to make all major decisions and I wanted my doctor to communicate with her because I don't trust my mom. Anyway, this didn't please my mother. I understand that. So, while I was under anesthesia my mother gets mad and leaves and the first words I hear upon waking up were "Your mom got mad and left" She abandoned me. Did I make her do it by making the choices I did? Is all of this my fault?

I know there's a thumb print on the top of my head!

If you shaved my head I am sure you would find 1 if not more than 1 thumb print. I feel like my entire life is lived under someone's thumb. The worst part is knowing that I have put myself there. I guess there is some level of shame and self loathing because of this fact which just gets worse when I get overwhelmed at trying to figure out how to extricate myself out from under said thumbs. A thread that has run itself through my life from its beginning until now is one of having other people in my life to "be there" in case I needed something. Now, every one has parents and we all have felt like we were under thier thumbs, which we were I guess because that's how it is supposed to be. However, when I reached adulthood I didn't out grow that need to have someone there to guide and direct me. I am approaching 40 in a little more than a year. In some ways that sounds so old. Maybe it's just because I feel old and tired today. Anyway, I think I am finally outgrowing my need to guided and directed. The problem is, other people haven't caught up to my new found need for independence. I keep being met with opposition. Not from everyone. Just from one person, really. No big deal, right? Wrong because I live with this person. I keep hearing "what other people think about me is none of my business." That's true enough but what I think of me IS important and quite honestly there are still some parts of my brain that while they crave independence on 1 hand. On the other hand, these same parts are terrified. So many people tell me I am strong. Yet, I do not feel strong. I feel weak. I feel like a child who can not yet take care of herself. I also keep hearing something else. Feelings aren't facts. I know that and yet the feelings I have are so overwhelming. A friend of mine told me this to morning to "Act as if" and that's is quite simply just what I need to do. I need to try to go on auto pilot and plow through some things. I know I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be loved. I deserve so much more than what my life is offering me right now. I just have to gather up the gumption to go get it!