Memories

  I am going to have surgery on Tuesday morning. I have more surgeries than I have fingers and toes so it's not like it's a new experience but I have to admit I am scared. I am having trouble making sense of exactly why I am scared. I am more grounded at this point in my life than I ever have been before as far as my relationship with God, My relationships with those people important to me, and I am even feeling pretty secure materialistically speaking. Is materialistically even a word? Anyway, so I am sitting here wondering why I am scared. What am I scared of? I think everyone can agree that it's normal to dread the pain of a surgery. My last few surgeries were difficult ones in that alot of unforseen things happened that made it impossible for things to go smoothly. I guess that is probably the crux of my present apprehension. The memories of the uncertainty. The memories of being vulnerable. The hospital can be a place of such control. They tell you when to eat. They tell you when to shower. Take meds. The last time I was in the hospital I wasn't given pain meds regularly. Actually, I guess that was the time before. The last time, a doctor told me I could eat way too soon. I got very sick and the solution was a tube down my throat for 10 days.
 It seems like things are better set up this time because it appears like I will have someone with me alot more than I did last time. That should alleviate alot of the screw-ups. I guess I just need to get this crap out of my head. I am feeling better.