Jan 1

 January 1 is a big day on the calendar for me. I guess because to me since I can pick up a calendar and see that it's the very first day of the very first month of a brand new year then I feel like I am being given permission to start over because it's logical to start over from the beginning. That's almost a funny thought. Why would an almost 39 year old woman need permission to do anything? Said 39 year old woman does not have alot of confidence in herself. Seems like I have that voice in my head listing the zillion different reasons why the proverbial shoe is going to drop. Now, I should say here that I don't worry about physical needs anymore. I know  God will provide. I am wondering where my next relationship is going to come from so in a way the beginning of the year can make me over anxious to "do everything right" because if I do then I will suddenly wake up in the arms of the love of my life, right? Maybe. Maybe not. I think the point here is that since I DO have dreams of not only being in a relationship but maybe even going back to school that I need to do certain things every day to get myself ready. The bottom line is that just because I want certain things that doesn't mean I am ready to have, and or, keep them. This thought brings to mind 2 words that start with P. Pressure and Patience, I do feel like I am working against the clock. I feel like it's an uphill battle. Maybe that's just a trick my mind plays on me. As for patience, I need to develop some. Not only for others but especially for myself. I have a bad habit of having expectations of people, myself included, based upon thier past behavior, I suppose this can be healthy but then again when you take it to extremes as I have a tendency to do then it becomes a prison.
 When I put these thoughts together I realize how much work I need to do and I fully intend to take better care of me this year because in reality it all starts with me. It HAS to start with how I treat and think about myself. So, I have to learn to be positive with myself. Give myself credit for something done well and not beat myself up for something that I don't do so well.
 Today had good moments and not so good moments. At midnight, I wanted to text all my friends to wish them a Happy New Year. Well, everyone must have had the same idea because the networks weren't responding so I didn't get to send the messages on time. I felt alone. I felt myself start to have a panic attack. It was then I decided I need to branch out more so that I have more relationships with people with skin because technology fails so I can't always have access to my friends who make thier residence in my phone. LOL I DID get up and go to church today. I love going to church and I have to admit that the reason is somewhat 2 fold. The obvious reason is I get to go see God @ His house..and the other reason is because I feel like going to church is one of those things that get to go on the "Doing the Right Thing" list..Finally, the BEST thing of all is I found some old pics of me and I have lost ALOT of weight!!! Woohoo!!!