Coming out of the dark...

 Cheesy name for a blog I know since it's the name of a song. However, it's a phrase that explains how I am feeling. I actually noticed it last night when I turned on a football game. I used to watch football all the time but I haven't watched it much in the last few years because the person I was in a relationship with doesn't like football and has a tendency to for lack of another word pout so that I would give in and she wouldn't have to watch what she didn't want to. Now, at this point, I should say she always pointed out that there was 2 T.V,'s in the house and at this point I would always feel like I was being tested as to which I would pick, her or the TV show I wanted to watch and if it wasn't that then I would feel a tinge of rejection. I am always afraid of disappointing people and taking the chance of being abandoned. Looking back, I do that alot, don't I? I mean looking back. Anyway, looking back, I feel this huge feeling of regret because all those times that I didn't watch what I wanted I was in effect saying "what you want doesn't matter" to myself. OK, back to the ballgame for a minute. As I watched the Bengals lose I couldn't help but notice I felt happy. Not happy that they were losing but that I was doing something that I have always enjoyed doing. Simply watching a football game. I gave it up all those years ago because the person I wanted to spend time with didn't want to watch it and yesterday I watched it by myself and I was as happy as a lark. I am finally learning to appreciate that I am entitled to some individuality. I am finally realizing that doing something by myself  is a much better alternative than doing or not doing something because it's what someone else wants me to do.
 This morning I was confirmed to the Episcopal church. It was an awesome service. I was sitting there realizing that in getting confirmed I was becoming a part of something so much bigger than me. I also realized that I have spent alot of years isolating myself purposely if you will because I thought that concentrating on certain things or people was going to allow me to feel completely loved, accepted and give me that feeling of belonging I have been looking for all my life. This morning as I sat there drinking in the moment I knew that I knew that I knew that I knew that I belong to God. Earlier I said that I felt happy as I watched the football game and I guess that's true. I felt the same thing this morning sitting in church and even now as I sit here writing this and I have to ask myself a question. Is it happiness or is it peace that I feel? Do those words mean the same thing?