I am the proverbial bull in a china shop well..not so much!

I usually act first and think later. My birthday is in May so that means I am a Taurus which makes me a Bull. I have liked myself to a Bull in a China Shop many times because as I said I act first and think later more often than not. The last couple of days though I am not feeling quite so rambunctious. In fact, I would be quite happy to crawl in a hole where I am safe, warm and the rest of the world could go on around me without my participation. I am not mad, sad, disenchanted or any other negative feeling. I am just "blah". I feel as if I am bracing myself, or rather I am trying to and the world around me is still trying to require my participation. My surgery is in 9 days and a wake up. I'm trying not to panic and really there is no "logical" reason to panic. I have been through much worse before and by the grace of God lived through it and been just fine.
 I think my stress is happening because I am thinking about the people whose job it will be to look after me after the surgery. Will they treat me the way they would want to be treated if it were themselves or a family member? Will I get treated as if I am just a job someone is too tired to do well. Will they even know I am there? Will they be competant? These things might sound silly coming from someone who has been through as many operations as I have but the last couple of times I got operated on I went  these very things. I am always harping on people to let God have control. I guess I need to put my money where my mouth is and be confident that God will take care of me.

I want what I want when I want it!!!!!!

 This is how I feel right now and it frustrates the bejeezus out of me because I do NOT WANT to feel this way. Ok, I feel this thought may need just the tiniest bit more explanation. I will be the first to admit that I like things to go smoothly. I refuse to put the "my way" disclaimer on this statement because I think I have grown beyond that. With that said, in the last couple, well, few, days when something hasn't gone "smoothly" my insides have fizzed like bottle of coke that has been shook and yes I have to be accountable and admit that the fizz spilled out of my mouth in the form of yelling or crying. I guess I am bothered by these outbursts because they remind me of the person I am trying really really really hard not to be anymore. I used to think alot about what other people think of me. In fact, I spent more years than I care to think about jumping through every hoop I was presented with just to please another person and there wasn't just 1 person on that list. There were many.  Things have changed. Now, honestly, I could care less what other people think of me. I care what I think about me and I haven't liked my reactions in the last couple days. I have said that it is probably due to stress from my upcoming surgery. The count-down is down to 10 days and a wake up. Anyway, I was mulling all of this over with a friend of mine and she said that my issues were coming out of expectations I have out of other people. She flippin PEGGED it! As soon as she said it I knew she was right. The funny thing is. I know having expectations of people is futile. I guess it's my brain's way of trying to control a situation because I am feeling fearful about something else. Yes, that's right. It's usually something else altogether that I am upset about so without even realizing it I pick something or someone that I think I SHOULD be able to control just by virtue of me being temporary denial of the fact that I am not, never have been and never will be all powerful and it's usually a cluster*uck from that point on.
 Soooo, if you're still with me. in a nutshell I am stressed over my surgery. I am feeling vulnerable. The last time I was in the hospital I think the staff either didn't have a degree of any kind or if they did they got it out of a cracker jack box. Some nursing students, I was right about some of them not even having a degree, anyway, some nursing students didn't read my chart thouroughly enough and didn't believe me when I said I am paralyzed the waist down and proceeded to nearly drop me on to the floor. To this day I believe that's where the hernia that I am having operated on in 11 days came from to begin with. Then, there was the doctor, yes, I said doctor, who let me eat to soon so I started puking and eventually I had to have a tube up my nose for 10 days to straighten things out. I almost forgot, I had a fight with my then partner who proceeded to walk out and not come back until the next day. We aren't "together" anymore. However, she is still my friend and is going to keep my daughter for me while I am in the hospital. She has said she is going to try to keep an eye on me too so we will hopefully not have a repeat of the staff issues that we had a few years ago. I should point out I am in a different state at a different hospital. I guess I am just thinkin about alot...

Signs of Progress...

 This morning, I woke up and as usual was moving slowly. I started thinking about everything I "should" do and also as usual started feeling anxious. Not because it was alot but rather just because having stuff to do makes me feel somewhat vulnerable because having stuff to do usually means that someone somewhere along the line will have something to say which makes me feel as if I am being held accountable for my "work" or even being held accountable for not doing said "work". I said all that to give a background explanation to statement that ended  up being where this entire blog is coming from. Have you ever said something without even thinking and it ended up being more true than something you plan out for hours? That happened to me this morning. I was online and I typed "I find that I have more trouble dealing with things that I have complete control over than the things that I have no control over. This sounds rediculous. It should be the other way around, However, it's not, and this is why. The things that I have zero control over I have learned to just shrug off. Trust me, I haven't always known that I wasn't in complete control of everything. I haven't always accepted that I couldn't bend a situation or person to my will. Be it with sweet  charm or angry force. LOL This very thing is something I have thought about today because of something that happened and a random decision I made in response. 
 I lost my phone. I am always doing that. It is usally on silent which makes it harder to find. I have kept it on silent pretty much all the time since my ex broke up with me. Why? I somehow decided that with my phone on silent that I wouldn't have to "hear" how much she didn't want to talk to me. That was nearly 20 months ago. Anyway, I turned it on and left it on today. I had panic attacks for most of the morning. There wasn't anything I was particularly paniced about. Then, it dawned on me. The act of turning the volume up on my phone reminded me of the feelings of rejection I felt when she broke up with me. Some would say that I still feel the sting of this rejection because my ex is still in my life. However, her still being in my life is the reason I can say I am making progress. I now can state unequivocally that I know that her rejection of me isn't really about me at all. It's about her. Her unresolved issues. Her view of life. Her.

Busy Day

 I usually have trouble naming my ramblings. However, for today that is not the case. January 4 is a busy day in the scheme of my adult life. January 4, 1993 I met the only man I have ever really loved. January 4, 1999 I had his daughter and finally January 4, 2001 I met the person who I believe to be the person responsible for introducing me to the only constant I had in my life for a long time. With that said, I look back on my relationship woth this person with feelings of panic, numbness, disgust, anger, lonliness, unworthiness and probably a million other adjectives. I guess truth be told those feelings are a common thread between all the people this blog is about.
 The moment I looked at Steven there was instant attraction. I can honestly say I felt electricity. There was no denying we had a connection. The only problem was he was already in a relationship. I hated this woman and I was determined that he was going to be mine. I manipulated until I got my way. He left her. I even wrote the note he left her. I guess I started being a control freak early in our relationship. To this day I wonder if I forced him to do something he wouldn't have done on his own. Our relationship was not an easy 1. He accepted and or put up with alot. My disabilityy, my insane behavior and maybe the thing that I to this day am thankful for. He accepted my attraction to women. At least he said he did. Sometimes, I wonder if he just said he accepted it and put up with it so he could get a break from my insane behavior and because he didn't have any semblence of high self esteem. All of that is all pretty much water under the bridge I guess. Isn't it?
 When he and I had been together for 6 years, in fact, 6 years to the day, I had a little girl. I named her. I even feel guilty about that but I guess I shouldn't because I asked him what he liked and he did what he always did throughout our whole relationship and that was he just went along with whatever I wanted because I could be and was regularly a wench if I didn't get what I wanted when I wanted it. The last person that came into my life on this day was the relationship that I traded in my relationship with Steven for. This time it was a woman and we ended up doing to Steven what Steven and I had done to Steven's former gf. We made it clear he was no longer necessary and needed to go. I am not proud of this. In fact, I am ashamed of it. I guess back then didn't care who I hurt as long as I got what I wanted or thought I needed at any given moment. So for the next several years I continued doing what I had always did and got what I always got. Unhappiness, misery, sadness, and lonliness, I grew out of that relationship too.
 The 1 relationship out of these 3 that I still have is the one with my daughter and that I believe is a miracle of God. I haven't always been a good mom. I haven't even always tried to be a good mom. In fact, for a long time I thought it was impossible for me to be a good mom. I am not proud of this but sometimes it has felt like Heather and I are the same age and then sometimes my mind tells me that she is more capable of being an adult than I am. However, I am at a point in my life now where I am trying really hard to be a good mom to her. She deserves that. I love her alot and not because I want or need her to love me but because I am honored to be her mom. I want to be her mom. I want to finish helping her grow up. There was a time when I couldn't even begin to believe I would feel these things let alone really feel them. It makes me happy that I finally got to where I can. We went to Olive Garden tonight to celebrate her birthday. She says she had never been there before so it's neat that I got to be the one to take her there first. We aren't the Brady Bunch but I think we are meant to be a family.

I don't like these kinds of days...

 You know? The kinds of days that make you have to think "on your toes" and then you get to wonder and decide if you did the right thing.
 The first thing that happened was this. My daughter was given a netbook for Christmas and it needs to be hooked up to my internet. Easy enough, right? I called the cable company last week and the appointment was made for a tech to come out today. I TOLD my daughter this!! Anyway, the tech shows up and does what he has to to do to my computer and then he goes to finish up with hers except her computer is nowhere to be found. My roommate tears her room apart looking for it. It can not be found. Insert panic here. I start thinking about "what if  get doubled charged if he has to come back since it's not here?" I make the decision to call the school and ask my daughter where her computer is. I call and after being on hold FOREVER I am told she has to call me back and she does. She then tells me that she took said computer to school. Totally of her own valition of course because "she needed it". I tell her to leave it in the office because I need it. So, for the rest of the afternoon I stew over the mood she is going to be in when she gets home. I even decide to try to straighten up her room  a little. She is fine when she comes home. A few hours pass. She does some homework. We eat dinner. She does some more homework. Then she says she can't finish it because she can't access the site without her internet. My computer hasn't worked in the past. I remind her she would have had internet had she not taken her computer to school. Well, she gets all indignant and self righteous which upsets me. I tell her to go to bed. After she goes to bed I again start to panic about "what if she fails?" I try to find a way to open the files with my computer. At first it doesn't work but then it does. I get to the thing she needs. I wake her up and make her do her homework. Did I do the right thing? Should I have let her pay the consequences? Did I teach her anything by how I acted today? I look @ both situations and can see where I took initiative to "do" something but was it the right time to do something? I wonder

Just what I am thinkin about...

 The wind is howling outside. Rumor has it that it could turn cold this week. I haven't felt real good today so the fact that I can use 2 fingers to count the weeks until my surgery is probably a good thing. If I let myself think about it much I could probably panic which is funny when you consider that I spent a good part of the afternoon telling my  friend that if she would just give her troubles to God she would see miracles happen. Easier said than done I guess.
 She spoke about wanting to do everything right so that she would get the good things she wants. I understand that line of thinking. I used to live my life in that vice. "Do exactly what you think you are supposed to do and everything will be just fine" To this day I struggle with this. I used to be concerned with what people thought. I honestly thought that I was a lost cause so I didn't even consider trying to please God so I just worried about what other people thought. It has taken a long time but I now realize that what people think of me really doesn't matter. However, what God thinks about me is everything. The neat thing about God is He is not idealidtic at all. He knows I am flawed. He made me for goodness sake. He knows I am gonna screw up. He's known I was gonna screw up since before Adam and Eve screwed up because He knows everything. I guess my point is a simple 1. He has already seen the end product. The puzzle that is my life. The puzzle that is your life. He has seen it. He created it all. The Puzzle. The Solution. A bible verse comes to my mind at this point. Matthew 11:28 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Good night God.

Jan 1

 January 1 is a big day on the calendar for me. I guess because to me since I can pick up a calendar and see that it's the very first day of the very first month of a brand new year then I feel like I am being given permission to start over because it's logical to start over from the beginning. That's almost a funny thought. Why would an almost 39 year old woman need permission to do anything? Said 39 year old woman does not have alot of confidence in herself. Seems like I have that voice in my head listing the zillion different reasons why the proverbial shoe is going to drop. Now, I should say here that I don't worry about physical needs anymore. I know  God will provide. I am wondering where my next relationship is going to come from so in a way the beginning of the year can make me over anxious to "do everything right" because if I do then I will suddenly wake up in the arms of the love of my life, right? Maybe. Maybe not. I think the point here is that since I DO have dreams of not only being in a relationship but maybe even going back to school that I need to do certain things every day to get myself ready. The bottom line is that just because I want certain things that doesn't mean I am ready to have, and or, keep them. This thought brings to mind 2 words that start with P. Pressure and Patience, I do feel like I am working against the clock. I feel like it's an uphill battle. Maybe that's just a trick my mind plays on me. As for patience, I need to develop some. Not only for others but especially for myself. I have a bad habit of having expectations of people, myself included, based upon thier past behavior, I suppose this can be healthy but then again when you take it to extremes as I have a tendency to do then it becomes a prison.
 When I put these thoughts together I realize how much work I need to do and I fully intend to take better care of me this year because in reality it all starts with me. It HAS to start with how I treat and think about myself. So, I have to learn to be positive with myself. Give myself credit for something done well and not beat myself up for something that I don't do so well.
 Today had good moments and not so good moments. At midnight, I wanted to text all my friends to wish them a Happy New Year. Well, everyone must have had the same idea because the networks weren't responding so I didn't get to send the messages on time. I felt alone. I felt myself start to have a panic attack. It was then I decided I need to branch out more so that I have more relationships with people with skin because technology fails so I can't always have access to my friends who make thier residence in my phone. LOL I DID get up and go to church today. I love going to church and I have to admit that the reason is somewhat 2 fold. The obvious reason is I get to go see God @ His house..and the other reason is because I feel like going to church is one of those things that get to go on the "Doing the Right Thing" list..Finally, the BEST thing of all is I found some old pics of me and I have lost ALOT of weight!!! Woohoo!!!