I crammed food into my mouth all day yesterday. I wasn't hungry. In truth, I was full. I didn't want anything to eat but I couldn't stop. I am pretty sure it is because I have a bad habit of self destructing when I don't have something productive to do. Now, with that said, there are many things I could have done to pass the time. I could have painted, finished my latch hook pillow, read...but none of that struck my fancy. I spent the whole day feeling misplaced. Why? Life went on for my friends. They either went back to work or are on vacation. My daughter is another one on vacation and so that leaves me with nothing to "do". But, what about those things I just listed, you ask? Those things seem inconsequential because they don't involve another person. Just me.
I guess I still have some more self image work to do because I still feel like I am of little use to this planet unless I am adding my 2 cents to someone else's life. Most of my friends have significant others. I miss having that person in my life. With that said, I know I am not ready for it because I am not happy being me. I mean, I have started to carve out a "me" but because that "me" isn't like everyone else I know I somehow feel like it will never be good enough and so sometimes I lose the motivation to try. I need to find some.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Monday, December 26, 2011
Time to Breathe?
Christmas weekend turned out better than I expected; Now, Heather is off to Ohio for a week and so that gives me time to kill...LOL In the past I haven't been very good at this but this time I am determined to spend the week relaxing my mind. That means finding things to DO so I do NOT spend the whole time withdrawing and getting depressed. I spent 90 minutes solving a jigsaw puzzle LOL. I got frustrated several times and wanted to give up BUT I persevered! I just looked @ Heather's grades. I'm not sure that it was a good idea to give me up to the minute access to her grades because I have a tendency to focus on things that I see as a problem With that said, she's only been in this school for a month so I can't really have a meltdown over things yet. Yes, there are a couple grades she needs to bring up but I have to give her a chance to do that before I completely lose my cool. See what I mean about having too much time to think about the wrong thing? I have to remind myself to breathe...
Friday, December 23, 2011
simmering...
Simmering...that's what I feel like my brain is doing...simmering a bunch of different things together and the end result does not feel like it will be a yummy concoction. Time to mentally decompress...kinda like draining the fat from a pot and then adding seasonings.
It's 2 days before Christmas. This time of year always makes me think about the bonds I don't have with my family of origin, I seem to feel the void more during the holidays..And I did something today that I haven't done in years. I met someone in 3D..most of the people I talk to are on the internet. The internet is my link to the world since I am in a wheelchair. Anyway, as fate would have it, I met someone online that lives in the same town I do and we became friends. So we made plans to meet face to face. I am feeling vulnerable for lack of a better word. Wondering if the real me adds up to the online persona. I know this is an old fear. Still, it's there. I know life is about risk and I have gotten good at building a pretty thick wall around me so that I don't get hurt. The old adage about the familliar no matter how bad it is, is easier to deal with than the unknown is true. There's another adage about "nothing ventured nothing gained"..I feel good that I took a risk now it's just time to let go and try to stay out of the fear and stay in the present.
It's 2 days before Christmas. This time of year always makes me think about the bonds I don't have with my family of origin, I seem to feel the void more during the holidays..And I did something today that I haven't done in years. I met someone in 3D..most of the people I talk to are on the internet. The internet is my link to the world since I am in a wheelchair. Anyway, as fate would have it, I met someone online that lives in the same town I do and we became friends. So we made plans to meet face to face. I am feeling vulnerable for lack of a better word. Wondering if the real me adds up to the online persona. I know this is an old fear. Still, it's there. I know life is about risk and I have gotten good at building a pretty thick wall around me so that I don't get hurt. The old adage about the familliar no matter how bad it is, is easier to deal with than the unknown is true. There's another adage about "nothing ventured nothing gained"..I feel good that I took a risk now it's just time to let go and try to stay out of the fear and stay in the present.
Monday, December 19, 2011
So, this is what normal feels like?
This past weekend was filled to the rim! Saturday morning we went through Heather's clothes because she needs to downsize and Saturday afternoon Heather rang the bell for the Salvation Army for a couple hours then finally on Saturday evening we went and got a few groceries and I got some new paints so I can start seriously working on the Christmas figurine that Heather gave me as an early present. We got home and I discovered the Wizard of Oz was on TV..I made myself stay awake so I could mark it off the "I've never seen that" list. Great movie!
Sunday was a little more laid back but still got alot accomplished. First we went to church. After church was the Christmas party for Heather's youth group. While she was there I painted some and actually listened to a Christmas CD. Then later on in the evening we went to see the Light Show at the Charlotte Motor Speedway. Amazing. I am telling you, I think there was a display for every animated or cartoonish program that Disney has ever made. There was also a display of the 12 Days of Christmas song! Alot of imagination and creativity went into. I was impressed! At 1 point, we were on the track so our car was tilting as we were looking at the lights...as my friend says "Good Times!"
Sunday was a little more laid back but still got alot accomplished. First we went to church. After church was the Christmas party for Heather's youth group. While she was there I painted some and actually listened to a Christmas CD. Then later on in the evening we went to see the Light Show at the Charlotte Motor Speedway. Amazing. I am telling you, I think there was a display for every animated or cartoonish program that Disney has ever made. There was also a display of the 12 Days of Christmas song! Alot of imagination and creativity went into. I was impressed! At 1 point, we were on the track so our car was tilting as we were looking at the lights...as my friend says "Good Times!"
Thursday, December 15, 2011
I'll be happy when...
We've all said it. Myself included. I thought money would fix it all or love. I'm old enough and yes, wise enough to realize the end of that statement, I'll be happy when...is simply...I'll be happy when I can maintain peace of mind no matter what is happening externally. Sometimes I think I have it figured out but I'm not so sure because usually when my mind is at peace I am not feeling much. Maybe not feeling much is acceptable at times. I guess I am striving for a happy medium.
Admittedly, the last couple weeks have been tough emotionally. My mind literally has a mind of its own. I say that because I can think back to a time period in my life and either wish I could bottle the experience so I could enjoy it forever and try as I might I can't make that happen so I cry. On the flipside, I can be traumatized by a memory all over again because I just keep playing it over in my head. That's what has happened the last couple weeks.
Funny, how the things that made me happy don't take up as much space in my head as those things that had the opposite affect. I wonder why? Is it because there have been negative things to happen than positive? Or, is it because I don't know how to be happy so I keep sabatoging my life? Am I just so stubborn that I actually believe if I mull it around in my head enough that I WILL mold whatever is giving me problems into submission? I have had plenty of practice at those things so I know they do not bring peace of mind. Yet, it's SO HARD for me to NOT follow the compulsion to do these things. I KNOW the answer is surrender. Surrender to what? Well, NOT to my feelings. At least that is the goal. It does me ZERO good to think about those things that scare me,be they, people, material, or feeling, to the point of leaving me unable to think rationally. I KNOW this!! Yet I do it over and again. I feel ashamed that I am continually failing at the same thing over and over and over. I get disgusted at my weakness. I start to consider that since I can't get it right that I may as well just give up. If mere human are disappointed in me then how must God Himself view me? I saw a quote on facebook about depression. It said something like depression leaves you with 2 choices. You are either the prisoner or the cruel jailer. I have been both of those in just the past 24 hours. I DO feel like my brain is a prison and the only way I can escape is to take out what I feel inside onto someone else and that just makes it worse. I need to get off this ride.
Admittedly, the last couple weeks have been tough emotionally. My mind literally has a mind of its own. I say that because I can think back to a time period in my life and either wish I could bottle the experience so I could enjoy it forever and try as I might I can't make that happen so I cry. On the flipside, I can be traumatized by a memory all over again because I just keep playing it over in my head. That's what has happened the last couple weeks.
Funny, how the things that made me happy don't take up as much space in my head as those things that had the opposite affect. I wonder why? Is it because there have been negative things to happen than positive? Or, is it because I don't know how to be happy so I keep sabatoging my life? Am I just so stubborn that I actually believe if I mull it around in my head enough that I WILL mold whatever is giving me problems into submission? I have had plenty of practice at those things so I know they do not bring peace of mind. Yet, it's SO HARD for me to NOT follow the compulsion to do these things. I KNOW the answer is surrender. Surrender to what? Well, NOT to my feelings. At least that is the goal. It does me ZERO good to think about those things that scare me,be they, people, material, or feeling, to the point of leaving me unable to think rationally. I KNOW this!! Yet I do it over and again. I feel ashamed that I am continually failing at the same thing over and over and over. I get disgusted at my weakness. I start to consider that since I can't get it right that I may as well just give up. If mere human are disappointed in me then how must God Himself view me? I saw a quote on facebook about depression. It said something like depression leaves you with 2 choices. You are either the prisoner or the cruel jailer. I have been both of those in just the past 24 hours. I DO feel like my brain is a prison and the only way I can escape is to take out what I feel inside onto someone else and that just makes it worse. I need to get off this ride.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
My brain needs a vacation...
So, I go to bed last night and flip through the channels and I find that Alvin and the Chipmunks, the movie, is on. It had been on for an hour already but bless the cable company's heart they have enabled my remote with a Start Over feature so that's what I did. I was gonna watch a movie and relax. I had the best of intentions anyway..
I laid there and watched. I tried to concentrate. The longer I watched the more uneasy I got. It seems rediculous that watching a movie about 3 talking chipmunks could make 1 uneasy. However, it did and I'll tell you why. The movie was not realistic. Not in the least. I seem to have trouble enjoying things that aren't rooted in "reality" I gave this some thought this morning. If I relax I then run the risk of becoming vulnerable. If I become vulnerable I may get hurt.
I don't want to hurt anymore. Having said that, I know that in order to let go of the pain from the past I need to be willing to become vulnerable. There is so much in my head, some of it well over 30 years old. It needs to go. I'm not sure why I hang on to some of it. A couple friends have shared with me ways they've let go of some things, feelings, situations, whatever. I decided that would be a good exercise for me. I have decided to use an ice cube. Some days I will just put it in a glass and let it melt. Other days I will find something to beat the crap out of it with. I hope to get to the point that when the ice is gone then so it whatever I have assosciated with it on that day. Sadness, rage, insecurity..and the list goes on.
I laid there and watched. I tried to concentrate. The longer I watched the more uneasy I got. It seems rediculous that watching a movie about 3 talking chipmunks could make 1 uneasy. However, it did and I'll tell you why. The movie was not realistic. Not in the least. I seem to have trouble enjoying things that aren't rooted in "reality" I gave this some thought this morning. If I relax I then run the risk of becoming vulnerable. If I become vulnerable I may get hurt.
I don't want to hurt anymore. Having said that, I know that in order to let go of the pain from the past I need to be willing to become vulnerable. There is so much in my head, some of it well over 30 years old. It needs to go. I'm not sure why I hang on to some of it. A couple friends have shared with me ways they've let go of some things, feelings, situations, whatever. I decided that would be a good exercise for me. I have decided to use an ice cube. Some days I will just put it in a glass and let it melt. Other days I will find something to beat the crap out of it with. I hope to get to the point that when the ice is gone then so it whatever I have assosciated with it on that day. Sadness, rage, insecurity..and the list goes on.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
it has been almost 14 months since I blogged!
Wow...so much has happened in those 14 months! I remember at the end of 2010 dreading the end of the year because the 10 would become 11 and since 2010 wasn't a bad year as far as struggling financially I attributed it to even numbers being better than odd...LOL BUT I have to say 2011 has been a good year as far as self improvement. The first 6 months of the year I pretty much just coasted..but on June 13 I began doing things independently that I hadn't done in years. I had become convinced that I couldn't. I was "too old" or "too fat". Well, on the morning of June 13 something happened. I got mad. I decided that I was not going to spend my life depending on people. I wasn't sure if I was gonna be able to do stuff but looking back on the last 5 months I realize I didn't stop to think about it. I didn't give myself the opportunity to talk myself out of it. I just did it. I can get dressed and undressed. I can go to the bathroom. I can make the bed. I can take the dog out. I can get in the shower. I can do my hair. I can get in and out of my house on my own. I am adept at using the handicapped van for transportation. I am pretty much physically independent and 1 of the best perks of all this physical independence is I am losing weight! 18 more pounds and I will be happy.
There's still some things I need to work on. Such as, broadening my horizons with cooking. I mean, I am great with the microwave but I think I want to tackle the Crock Pot LOL 2011 has been a year where I have found old friends, made new friends, and gotten comfortable in friendships that for years didn't think I deserved. I spent alot of years riding coat tails but I now realize there comes a time, for everyone, when it is time to grow up.
I have learned alot. I have learned God loves me. I have learned and accepted that everything happens for a reason. I have learned that there are things about me that I think are really cool. I have learned and accepted that everything happens for a reason. I have learned that it's easy to tell someone else how to get out of a paper bag but not so easy to follow that advice. I have learned that tomorrow is another day and what I didn't get right today I can re-do again tomorrow. God will be there, my friends will be there, and I will be there with new strength from finally learning how to acknowledge and appreciate myself.
There's still some things I need to work on. Such as, broadening my horizons with cooking. I mean, I am great with the microwave but I think I want to tackle the Crock Pot LOL 2011 has been a year where I have found old friends, made new friends, and gotten comfortable in friendships that for years didn't think I deserved. I spent alot of years riding coat tails but I now realize there comes a time, for everyone, when it is time to grow up.
I have learned alot. I have learned God loves me. I have learned and accepted that everything happens for a reason. I have learned that there are things about me that I think are really cool. I have learned and accepted that everything happens for a reason. I have learned that it's easy to tell someone else how to get out of a paper bag but not so easy to follow that advice. I have learned that tomorrow is another day and what I didn't get right today I can re-do again tomorrow. God will be there, my friends will be there, and I will be there with new strength from finally learning how to acknowledge and appreciate myself.
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