Going Through the Motions

 There's so many things that need done every day. There's so many things I "could" do every day. Yet all of the things on both those lists I dread most of the time. So, I am asking myself why? The answer is quite simple, really. Doing "stuff" requires that I be present in reality and being present means that as I'm doing that "stuff" I think about how my life, be it health or relationships would be and could be different had I done things differently throughout the years. I have regrets. I view some things as failures. I fel shame and sadness. 
  Yesterday, I was glad that I could actually identify the feeling that was evoking a particular response. Usually the response happens while I'm on auto-pilot. So, the fact that I could relate the response to an actual feeling was something of a small victory for me. However, tonight I am sad and lonely and not so relieved to be having these feelings. It's easier to go through having feelings about someone else's behavior than it is to go through feelings of loss, I guess. Loss might not even be the right word. Emptiness maybe?
 Anyway, all this brings me back full circle as to why it's important to do the "stuff" I don't wanna do. The more I concentrate on me and give myself the chance to be enough the less I will feel like I need someone else to make me whole. I have a whole lot of work to do before I believe what it is I am saying. Baby steps...

 So, I've been thinking about respect today because it was the topic of conversation amongst the people in a chatroom I was in this morning. The plain and simple of it is that I don't have much respect for myself. Now, I can say that I learned how to not respect my own thoughts and abilities from my mom. She was forever telling me that what I did wasn't good enough or saying she needed to do whatever it was for it to be right. With that said, I do NOT want to stay stuck in the "this is why I am who I am" mentality because that doesn't get me anywhere.
 When I think about it, I do in fact, feel anger towards her. I am 37 and most of the time feel like I am ill-equipped to handle the responsibilities of being an adult. My body is 37. My brain and heart are still very much a child. This is where the disrespect of self  comes in because all to often I talk myself out of trying because I don't believe I can be a success story under my own efforts. I believe more often then not that to be considered a success then someone has to do it for me or tell me what to do. That's a heavy burden. As I write this, I'm wondering "what will the reader think? As if my thoughts in and of themselves don't hold any validity unless someone says "Good blog"
 I fantasize about a day when I'll know I'm ok just simply because I've done my best. Last night, 1 of you said to me "Who cares?" I dream of a day when I won't carry this burden of needing someone other than myself to approve of me. I dream of a day when I will have the confidence in myself that I have in other people. Gonna go make dinner now..

All roads lead back to...me

 This blog started formulating in my head as I lay in bed this morning. I woke up feeling lonely. Then like manna from heaven this thought came to me. "No one else can or will like and or want to be close to me until I like and want to be close to me" That sends shivers down my being because I do NOT like me. I do whatever I can to not have to be alone with myself.
 So, I have the problem. The equation if you will. I even have the solution to the equation. It's quite simple, actually. Learn to like me. Learn to accept me. But, like all math equations, it's not just about the problem. It's not even about the solution. It's about understanding HOW to get to the solution. 
 So, how do I learn to like me? How do I learn to accept me? I have to get to know me. I have to quit running from me. Until I know, accept and like me no one else can. Until I figure out what it feels like to be content with my own company I will neither be content with nor appreciate anyone's else's company. I need to get reacquainted with myself. I need to remember what I like or don't like. What makes Danette, Danette? I don't remember. I guess there's no time like the present to find out.

Saturdays

 I'm sitting here thinking about how I woke up with that feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach. The same as I do most Saturdays.  In large part because I have to act like an adult  when I really don't feel like an adult. I can't put into words how tough that is. They say feelings aren't facts which is true. Thank God, but with that said, my feelings suffocate me, often times. The fear of being a failure or disappointment is all-consuming.
 Today, I started reading a book that's basically about why I turned out the way I have and what I as the adult in charge of me now has to do to fix what has been broken. I "feel" ill-equipped to do this but I know it's the truth. I do believe there is light at the end of the tunnel. I just have to quit avoiding going through the tunnel.
  I am a believer in the premise that God won't put anymore on me then I can handle without His help. More often then I care to admit I don't ask for His help but instead depend on my own or somebody elses "human strength. Bad idea.. I don't mean it's a bad idea to depend on ourselves at times and to let people be there for us but it's a bad idea not to ask God to show me the way.

Do Over

  There aren't many things that I do on my own with confidence. So when I do have to do something I spend lots of time worrying about it. I had an agenda for yesterday morning, Quite simply it was to just get through it. Well, as fate would have it what I had planned got postponed until next week. So,  that gave me the opportunity to realize that I make things harder on myself because I have so much doubt in myself. I carry with me every error in judgment I've ever made. To be blunt about it. I am my own worst enemy. I tend to make it easy for other naysayers to have their negative opinions of me.
 Now, I have to say that I do feel that I've made some progress because there was a time that when plans got changed I would have just crawled back into my little cocoon  and just been grateful that I didn't have to do whatever it was I didn't want to. However, this time, I paused to try and think through why I was having the feelings. The next step is to change those feelings. That is going to take some hard work because it's not easy being positive if you are used to being negative. 

gonna try to get my head together

I keep saying I need to blog...so this is me trying.....stay tuned