I have felt pretty upbeat all day. I can honestly say that I have made some significant progress in 2011. I have made some physical strides and maybe more importantly I feel a little more balanced than I ever have before. Now, that doesn't mean that I don't have bad spells. Hell, last night I was in a not so good mood BUT they are moods and they don't linger for months or even years at a time. YAY!
I have been on an anti depressant since April, So, I wonder if that's why things are better mentally. I mean, if I didn't take it would I be a mess? Would I be ok? I have to admit that it would bug me to think the only reason I am ok is because of a pill but people say that it's not the pill that makes me ok but rather the effect that the pill has on my brain that makes me ok, Is there a difference?
At any rate, I am thankful for the moments of serenity I have. I am thankful for the new found self reliance that I have. I am thankful for the renewed dependence on God that I have found this year, I have hope for the future. God has given me an amazing support system of people all around the country. I am blessed.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Friday, December 30, 2011
So, yesterday I said something about knowing that God has a purpose and I just need to show up for it. Sometimes I wonder if God can use me. If He even wants to but then I remember a particularly challenging time in my life and I have to acknowledge that I don't think God would put me through all that if He didn't have a plan. On the other hand, I have to ask myself if what I went through was the consequences of my own choices. Or, was I meant to make those stupid choices so that the story would play out as it did? I have pondered that question for years and just when I think when I think I have answered that question I start wondering agian. Here's what I mean..
When I was a kid wearing a seatbeat was an option and it's an option I rarely ever chose. I continued not wearing a seatbelt into my 20's. 1 day Steven and I were in the car and I wasn't paying attention and before I knew it my head hit his windshield. He avoided an accident but his windshield had a crack in it and my head and face were the only word I can put to it is numb. I believe I started wearing a seatbelt after that, at least most of the time. LOL Anyway, life went on.
I had been experiencing these wierd symptoms for several years and no one really took it seriously. I got so tired of hearing "you are just depressed" or "you just don't want to take care of Heather by yourself". I didn't really think much about my head hitting the windshield until a few years later when I was diagnosed with Chiari Malformation Type 2 on a fluke. I had a regularly scheduled appointment with my doctor and he looked at my eyes and told me that my eyes were bouncing. He said "that's called Nystagmus. I'm ordering an MRI" That was in February of 2001. I got a diagnosis and the phone number to a brain surgeon. I got on the internet and started researching Chiari and it all started making sense. The dizziness, the fatigue, the headaches, the ringing in my ears, the not being able to come up with a word to finish a sentence. So, surgery was scheduled for May 23, 2001. There was no guarantee that I would be cured. There wasn't even a guarantee that the surgery would alleviate my symptoms. So why have brain surgery on a bunch of "maybe's"? I had to try. I had been miserable for the last few years and if I didn't have the surgery then no one was going to realize let alone acknowledge that I really had been sick. Looking back, I guess that wasn't a real solid reason to let someone cut into my head. I mean, the goal was to get better not to receive validation for the existence I had been living. Right? Hindsight is 20/20 and from where I sit now I realize my motives were misguided. I guess I am not very proud of that. If I had it to do over again would I make the same choice? I don't know because the 28 days after surgery were hell.
I woke up to being in the worst pain I had ever felt in my life. I remember the tears welling up in my eyes. All I could say was "I hurt." To this day I wouldn't wish that pain on someone I do not like. Having gone through the same surgery a year later with virtually no pain I am left to wonder if the pain didn't come from having gone to sleep completely stressed out. I will leave those reasons to another blog LOL This one is about physical struggles, So, after surgery, things went from bad to worse. My Oxygen Saturation level went down to 54. It is supposed to be in the 90's. They put me on a ventilator not knowing if I was going to pull through. Obviously I did :) You're familliar with that adage, "if it's not 1 thing it's anothe, right?" Well, that ended up being true in this case. After my levels straightened out then I contracted MRSA. My doctor knowing that MRSA anywhere in the body is not a good thing but especially so close to my brain, put me on the most powerful antibiotic he had. Vancomyacin. Problem solved, right? No, problem gets more complicated because I have an allergic reaction to the Vancomyacin. Not just an itchy skin reaction either. No, I have to do it up right! LOL I quit breathing. So, again I have to be ventilated and they have to figure out how to eradicate a staph infection before it causes permanent damage to my brain with drugs that aren't all that powerful. Thus the 28 days..it took forever...
I wanted to have that surgery because I wanted acknowledgement that I was really sick and so I did and I spent next 28 days fighting for my life. I wanted to be the center of attention. I wanted to be noticed. I knew I wanted to survive but I'm not sure that getting better was even on my radar because at the time I thought that if I were healthy and not needy then I would be forgotten. Maybe that's why I still had 2 more brain surgeries and a stroke in my future. You think?
When I was a kid wearing a seatbeat was an option and it's an option I rarely ever chose. I continued not wearing a seatbelt into my 20's. 1 day Steven and I were in the car and I wasn't paying attention and before I knew it my head hit his windshield. He avoided an accident but his windshield had a crack in it and my head and face were the only word I can put to it is numb. I believe I started wearing a seatbelt after that, at least most of the time. LOL Anyway, life went on.
I had been experiencing these wierd symptoms for several years and no one really took it seriously. I got so tired of hearing "you are just depressed" or "you just don't want to take care of Heather by yourself". I didn't really think much about my head hitting the windshield until a few years later when I was diagnosed with Chiari Malformation Type 2 on a fluke. I had a regularly scheduled appointment with my doctor and he looked at my eyes and told me that my eyes were bouncing. He said "that's called Nystagmus. I'm ordering an MRI" That was in February of 2001. I got a diagnosis and the phone number to a brain surgeon. I got on the internet and started researching Chiari and it all started making sense. The dizziness, the fatigue, the headaches, the ringing in my ears, the not being able to come up with a word to finish a sentence. So, surgery was scheduled for May 23, 2001. There was no guarantee that I would be cured. There wasn't even a guarantee that the surgery would alleviate my symptoms. So why have brain surgery on a bunch of "maybe's"? I had to try. I had been miserable for the last few years and if I didn't have the surgery then no one was going to realize let alone acknowledge that I really had been sick. Looking back, I guess that wasn't a real solid reason to let someone cut into my head. I mean, the goal was to get better not to receive validation for the existence I had been living. Right? Hindsight is 20/20 and from where I sit now I realize my motives were misguided. I guess I am not very proud of that. If I had it to do over again would I make the same choice? I don't know because the 28 days after surgery were hell.
I woke up to being in the worst pain I had ever felt in my life. I remember the tears welling up in my eyes. All I could say was "I hurt." To this day I wouldn't wish that pain on someone I do not like. Having gone through the same surgery a year later with virtually no pain I am left to wonder if the pain didn't come from having gone to sleep completely stressed out. I will leave those reasons to another blog LOL This one is about physical struggles, So, after surgery, things went from bad to worse. My Oxygen Saturation level went down to 54. It is supposed to be in the 90's. They put me on a ventilator not knowing if I was going to pull through. Obviously I did :) You're familliar with that adage, "if it's not 1 thing it's anothe, right?" Well, that ended up being true in this case. After my levels straightened out then I contracted MRSA. My doctor knowing that MRSA anywhere in the body is not a good thing but especially so close to my brain, put me on the most powerful antibiotic he had. Vancomyacin. Problem solved, right? No, problem gets more complicated because I have an allergic reaction to the Vancomyacin. Not just an itchy skin reaction either. No, I have to do it up right! LOL I quit breathing. So, again I have to be ventilated and they have to figure out how to eradicate a staph infection before it causes permanent damage to my brain with drugs that aren't all that powerful. Thus the 28 days..it took forever...
I wanted to have that surgery because I wanted acknowledgement that I was really sick and so I did and I spent next 28 days fighting for my life. I wanted to be the center of attention. I wanted to be noticed. I knew I wanted to survive but I'm not sure that getting better was even on my radar because at the time I thought that if I were healthy and not needy then I would be forgotten. Maybe that's why I still had 2 more brain surgeries and a stroke in my future. You think?
Thursday, December 29, 2011
The end of another year...
About this time last year I was thinking about how I didn't want the year to end because it hadn't been all that bad a year and being that I am superstitious or I should say I was about this time last year, I thought that 2011 couldn't be as good a year because I like even numbers better :) Honestly, I felt some, ok, alot of trepidation about the coming year because quite frankly I anticipated change that I didn't know how to deal with. I had decided not to make any New Years Resolutions because I never keep them. So, why set myself up to fail? So, as you can see, as per my usual, there were alot of oxymorons going on in my head toward the end of last year. Enter 2011, drum-roll please?
I started the year searching out people from my past on Facebook of all places. People whom knew me when I was a kid and in whom I had found solace, love, and acceptance. In finding those people again not only did I renew friendships but I also had a renewing of my hunger for God because it was those people who showed me God in my youth. I am glad to say I found Him again in 2011 too :) I started remembering who I was as a child/teenager and I discovered something. Some days, not much has changed in the last 20+ years. Some days I don't feel like I am almost 39 with a daughter about to enter her teen years. Sometimes I feel like a scared, vulnerable, insecure me. I am glad to say I don't feel that way all the time. As much as I found people and things to hold onto in 2011 I did as much letting go. I let go of ideas that were in my head that I had planted out a need to feel safe. In 2011 I learned that I only need faith in God and also I need to have some faith in me. I have spent too much of my life looking at myself as damaged merchandise. God loves me and has a purpose for me. I need to show up so that purpose can be lived out. I still screw up and put my eyes on the wrong things and or people sometimes. When this happens I try to thank God for my blessings. All I have, all I have been given and for all I will be given in the future. Be it material, emotional, spiritual. whatever I need..it will be there. I am a work in progress. I have found some new friends this year to go along with the friends I have had for years and those old ones that are new again :) They have really become a big part in the patch work quilt that is my life.
The last half of the year I got alot of my independence back. I can dress and undress myself, get in and out of bed, take the dog out, get in the shower, go to the bathroom by myself and I am probably forgetting something but the point is that I have made major progress in this area. I hope next year I make as many strides emotionally as I have this year physically. As I look back over the year, that is really where I see that I didn't so well, emotionally. Here's to next year!
I started the year searching out people from my past on Facebook of all places. People whom knew me when I was a kid and in whom I had found solace, love, and acceptance. In finding those people again not only did I renew friendships but I also had a renewing of my hunger for God because it was those people who showed me God in my youth. I am glad to say I found Him again in 2011 too :) I started remembering who I was as a child/teenager and I discovered something. Some days, not much has changed in the last 20+ years. Some days I don't feel like I am almost 39 with a daughter about to enter her teen years. Sometimes I feel like a scared, vulnerable, insecure me. I am glad to say I don't feel that way all the time. As much as I found people and things to hold onto in 2011 I did as much letting go. I let go of ideas that were in my head that I had planted out a need to feel safe. In 2011 I learned that I only need faith in God and also I need to have some faith in me. I have spent too much of my life looking at myself as damaged merchandise. God loves me and has a purpose for me. I need to show up so that purpose can be lived out. I still screw up and put my eyes on the wrong things and or people sometimes. When this happens I try to thank God for my blessings. All I have, all I have been given and for all I will be given in the future. Be it material, emotional, spiritual. whatever I need..it will be there. I am a work in progress. I have found some new friends this year to go along with the friends I have had for years and those old ones that are new again :) They have really become a big part in the patch work quilt that is my life.
The last half of the year I got alot of my independence back. I can dress and undress myself, get in and out of bed, take the dog out, get in the shower, go to the bathroom by myself and I am probably forgetting something but the point is that I have made major progress in this area. I hope next year I make as many strides emotionally as I have this year physically. As I look back over the year, that is really where I see that I didn't so well, emotionally. Here's to next year!
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
I should have written this yesterday...
I crammed food into my mouth all day yesterday. I wasn't hungry. In truth, I was full. I didn't want anything to eat but I couldn't stop. I am pretty sure it is because I have a bad habit of self destructing when I don't have something productive to do. Now, with that said, there are many things I could have done to pass the time. I could have painted, finished my latch hook pillow, read...but none of that struck my fancy. I spent the whole day feeling misplaced. Why? Life went on for my friends. They either went back to work or are on vacation. My daughter is another one on vacation and so that leaves me with nothing to "do". But, what about those things I just listed, you ask? Those things seem inconsequential because they don't involve another person. Just me.
I guess I still have some more self image work to do because I still feel like I am of little use to this planet unless I am adding my 2 cents to someone else's life. Most of my friends have significant others. I miss having that person in my life. With that said, I know I am not ready for it because I am not happy being me. I mean, I have started to carve out a "me" but because that "me" isn't like everyone else I know I somehow feel like it will never be good enough and so sometimes I lose the motivation to try. I need to find some.
I guess I still have some more self image work to do because I still feel like I am of little use to this planet unless I am adding my 2 cents to someone else's life. Most of my friends have significant others. I miss having that person in my life. With that said, I know I am not ready for it because I am not happy being me. I mean, I have started to carve out a "me" but because that "me" isn't like everyone else I know I somehow feel like it will never be good enough and so sometimes I lose the motivation to try. I need to find some.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Time to Breathe?
Christmas weekend turned out better than I expected; Now, Heather is off to Ohio for a week and so that gives me time to kill...LOL In the past I haven't been very good at this but this time I am determined to spend the week relaxing my mind. That means finding things to DO so I do NOT spend the whole time withdrawing and getting depressed. I spent 90 minutes solving a jigsaw puzzle LOL. I got frustrated several times and wanted to give up BUT I persevered! I just looked @ Heather's grades. I'm not sure that it was a good idea to give me up to the minute access to her grades because I have a tendency to focus on things that I see as a problem With that said, she's only been in this school for a month so I can't really have a meltdown over things yet. Yes, there are a couple grades she needs to bring up but I have to give her a chance to do that before I completely lose my cool. See what I mean about having too much time to think about the wrong thing? I have to remind myself to breathe...
Friday, December 23, 2011
simmering...
Simmering...that's what I feel like my brain is doing...simmering a bunch of different things together and the end result does not feel like it will be a yummy concoction. Time to mentally decompress...kinda like draining the fat from a pot and then adding seasonings.
It's 2 days before Christmas. This time of year always makes me think about the bonds I don't have with my family of origin, I seem to feel the void more during the holidays..And I did something today that I haven't done in years. I met someone in 3D..most of the people I talk to are on the internet. The internet is my link to the world since I am in a wheelchair. Anyway, as fate would have it, I met someone online that lives in the same town I do and we became friends. So we made plans to meet face to face. I am feeling vulnerable for lack of a better word. Wondering if the real me adds up to the online persona. I know this is an old fear. Still, it's there. I know life is about risk and I have gotten good at building a pretty thick wall around me so that I don't get hurt. The old adage about the familliar no matter how bad it is, is easier to deal with than the unknown is true. There's another adage about "nothing ventured nothing gained"..I feel good that I took a risk now it's just time to let go and try to stay out of the fear and stay in the present.
It's 2 days before Christmas. This time of year always makes me think about the bonds I don't have with my family of origin, I seem to feel the void more during the holidays..And I did something today that I haven't done in years. I met someone in 3D..most of the people I talk to are on the internet. The internet is my link to the world since I am in a wheelchair. Anyway, as fate would have it, I met someone online that lives in the same town I do and we became friends. So we made plans to meet face to face. I am feeling vulnerable for lack of a better word. Wondering if the real me adds up to the online persona. I know this is an old fear. Still, it's there. I know life is about risk and I have gotten good at building a pretty thick wall around me so that I don't get hurt. The old adage about the familliar no matter how bad it is, is easier to deal with than the unknown is true. There's another adage about "nothing ventured nothing gained"..I feel good that I took a risk now it's just time to let go and try to stay out of the fear and stay in the present.
Monday, December 19, 2011
So, this is what normal feels like?
This past weekend was filled to the rim! Saturday morning we went through Heather's clothes because she needs to downsize and Saturday afternoon Heather rang the bell for the Salvation Army for a couple hours then finally on Saturday evening we went and got a few groceries and I got some new paints so I can start seriously working on the Christmas figurine that Heather gave me as an early present. We got home and I discovered the Wizard of Oz was on TV..I made myself stay awake so I could mark it off the "I've never seen that" list. Great movie!
Sunday was a little more laid back but still got alot accomplished. First we went to church. After church was the Christmas party for Heather's youth group. While she was there I painted some and actually listened to a Christmas CD. Then later on in the evening we went to see the Light Show at the Charlotte Motor Speedway. Amazing. I am telling you, I think there was a display for every animated or cartoonish program that Disney has ever made. There was also a display of the 12 Days of Christmas song! Alot of imagination and creativity went into. I was impressed! At 1 point, we were on the track so our car was tilting as we were looking at the lights...as my friend says "Good Times!"
Sunday was a little more laid back but still got alot accomplished. First we went to church. After church was the Christmas party for Heather's youth group. While she was there I painted some and actually listened to a Christmas CD. Then later on in the evening we went to see the Light Show at the Charlotte Motor Speedway. Amazing. I am telling you, I think there was a display for every animated or cartoonish program that Disney has ever made. There was also a display of the 12 Days of Christmas song! Alot of imagination and creativity went into. I was impressed! At 1 point, we were on the track so our car was tilting as we were looking at the lights...as my friend says "Good Times!"
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